Relationship Problems - 10 Big Relationship Mistakes and What You Can Do About Them

Life is all about relationships - marriages, families, friends, jobs, teams, etc, are just a few of the relationships we may be a part of. All relationships are give-and-take; and, in all relationships, you reap what you sow. If you are experiencing relationship difficulties, honestly examine your relationships for the presence of any of the destructive behaviors listed below. Identifying and removing, or correcting, the hurtful behavior will open the door for relationship harmony in any type of relationship. Which of these things are you doing to wreck your relationship, or is someone you know doing to wreck their own relationship?

1. Abuse of any kind (mental, emotional, verbal, physical, etc...), including being mean-spirited, cruel, intimidating, or intentionally hurtful in any way is an obvious sign of serious problems. Love and forgiveness are essential; but this damaging and potentially dangerous behavior has to be immediately changed, or removed - an abusive relationship is not the kind of relationship anyone wants or needs.

2. Belittling, insulting, embarrassing, humiliating, or otherwise making someone feel small, weak, dumb, useless, or inferior in any way is another way to destroy your relationship - all at once, or over time. Unless you want to be in relationship with someone small, you should build-up the people you associate with; it gives you a better set of associations, if nothing else.

3. Cheating is an obvious threat to any romantic relationship; but unfaithfulness and disloyalty are deal-breakers in most types of relationships. There can be great rewards to practicing faithfulness in life.

4. Dishonesty, deceit, deception, lies, and treachery of any kind will ultimately unravel and cause bigger problems that the scheme was worth in the first place. Honesty, though sometimes painful, is the best policy.

5. Inflexibility, rigidity, unwillingness, and dogmatic positions keep people and relationships fixated, stagnant, and stuck in ruts. Change is constant; and it's crazy to think that you can be in a relationship without changing, and being changed by the relationship. The key is to choose the way you allow the changes to shape you by bending willfully and intentionally in the direction of your relationship - creating and shaping yourself, your life, and your relationship as you go.

6. Forgetting dates, anniversaries, favorites, etc, can be somewhat hurtful; but forgetting how and why you are in relationship can destroy it. Forgetting your priorities can cause you to let your relationships whither; and forgetting how you initiated, or won, that relationship can keep you from being able to rescue, salvage, repair, or reclaim it.

7. Inconsideration, selfishness, self-centeredness, etc, can be forgiven; but they can also end relationships. Most people get tired of selfish or manipulative behavior after awhile - like the story of the boy who cried wolf. After awhile, a lack of consideration of others will cause them to no longer consider you. Put energy and attention into others and they will put it into you.

8. Judgment, criticism, blame, or condemnation has no place in any happy life or relationship. The presence of any of these things indicates a relationship in trouble. Learn acceptance, allowance, and forgiveness if you want to save your relationship. Would you rather be right, or happy?

9. Disrespect, including rudeness, insults, and intrusive behaviors, is a good way to show someone that they need another partner. Respect your partner's opinions, beliefs, person, and property if you expect the same in return.

10. Ignorance, ignoring a person, not listening, paying attention to, noticing, learning, growing, or evolving, may not seem like a mistake; but it is. If something is not growing, it's dying; and, if you aren't learning about your partner, your relationship is dying. You know very little about a person when you first get into a relationship. Live, learn, and love.

These aren't the only mistakes people make in relationships; but they are very big, and very common, mistakes that can ruin, or end, relationships. These mistakes are also forgivable; and anyone is capable of making and learning from these mistakes in such a way as to ensure they never happen again. We can all learn from our mistakes and grow into wiser, happier, healthier people in stronger, happier relationships. Start paying attention to your thoughts, words, and actions; and, if you notice yourself acting out any of these common relationship mistakes, take immediate corrective measures to restore love and harmony where you allowed fear and disharmony to creep in. You and your relationship will be better and stronger as a result.

*To download your FREE, Illustrated Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) Manual, go to: http://www.ExploreExpandEvolve.com/free_download/ (It only takes about 10-seconds to get your Free EFT manual and start erasing negative emotions, grudges, fears and limiting beliefs that could be ruining your relationship and quality of life! EFT can also help you eliminate health problems, and self-esteem and body-image issues that can also have negative influences on your life, health, and relationships.)

Pete Koerner is the author of The Belief Formula: The Secret to Unlocking the Power of Prayer. The Belief Formula is a look at how you can use ancient wisdom and modern scientific awareness to learn how to use your mind to reclaim your health and create the life of your dreams.

For a Free Report on Making The Belief Formula Work for You, visit: http://www.TheBeliefFormula.com

Successful Relationships - Mining Relationship Gold

This brief article shows how we neglect our relationships and clarifies the utter importance of relationships . . . while explaining a powerful strategy for getting the most of all your relationships and mining the gold within each and every relationship in your life.

Please let me say from the beginning that I am a relationship specialist, and I have done relationship therapy and coaching for almost thirty years. Now, I want you to know that a few years ago I suffered a near death experience (NDE), in which I learned just how essential relationships truly are to all of us . . . even more essential than I had dreamed!

This article will detail one of the insights I gained from my tragic but extremely helpful NDE, along with a perspective resulting from my long career as a relationship therapist.

How We Neglect Relationships

We don't mean to neglect our important relationships -- and they are all important! -- begins in our minds when we tell ourselves a fictional story. The story varies but goes something like this:

"A few of my relationships are important. I like some people in my family, and I have close friends and colleagues . . . but I don't have time to take an interest in many of the people in my life. And I have no patience for problems that may occur in my relationships."

Now when things go wrong, such as having an argument with a family member, we often think thoughts like these:

"To heck with him, I don't have time for any grief, if he wants to get mad at me, let him! I won't speak to him for years . . . I'll pretend like he doesn't exist. I don't want any part of my brother because he's an idiot! If he calls me again, I simply will not answer the phone!"

Another way we neglect relationships is simply to spend very little time getting to know people, and not taking an interest in more distant family members or friends, or to forget about people and just concentrate on ourselves.

A Case In Point

About a decade ago, a family member I hardly knew came to see me. He brought his wife and we had dinner together. Before he left I promised I'd go and visit him at his house very soon.

Well, I got busy and didn't go . . . his wife died a few months later.

Then I heard he was struggling to keep his interest in living, and I told myself I'd go and cheer him up. But I got busy and guess what? I didn't go.

He died a few weeks later.

Ever since then, I have been angry with myself. Oh, how I wish I had taken more of an interest in him. He seemed so interesting, and so wonderful, yet I had no time for this man, a member of my extended family, who had always lived just under my radar.

Sadly, I squandered an opportunity that will never come again. He's gone. She's gone. And I didn't even take the time to go to him in his hour of need.

What a jerk . . . I was!

Now, I would give anything to have another chance to be there for that wonderful couple. At this man's funeral, I discovered something I didn't know about him. I learned he and I were members of the same fraternity . . . a secret no one in the family had realized.

I was stunned to learn that he and I had held strikingly similar views on many things, that he and I were brothers in many senses of the word, and yet my stupidity had kept me from getting to know him and becoming his friend and ally.

What an incredible opportunity I missed. What kinds of things might we have done together? What a great relationship this might have been for both of us!

I am loathe to admit this, but this is only one tragic story of its kind in my life. Now, I can hardly believe I was like that . . . or I had made such foolish decisions . . . how blind I have been.

There are countless ways to neglect or tear down our relationships, and it never pays . . . it's always foolhardy! Every single relationship in your life is like a bank account with all kinds of deposits in it.

Neglect a relationship, and you lose. Along with many other people. The ripples go out for a long ways when we toss a pebble into the ocean of human relationships. And those ripples touch so many lives in so many ways.

Before my NDE, I made lots of assumptions about my relationships and took them for granted. I made very little effort to go out of my way for anyone, unless it benefitted me in some fashion. How sad . . . how short-sighted!

But after my NDE, I try to take every opportunity to see the beauty in people, and to explore my relationships, and ultimately to mine the gold that lies dormant within each and every one. And, believe me, there is unseen gold in all of them!

Now I see relationship problems in a new light: all problems are worth solving! Your relationships are worth the effort. Taking the easy way out will only hurt you, in the end, and detract from your happiness . . . and peace of mind.

A Powerful Strategy For Mining Your Relationships

Every relationship in your life has a hidden gift for you, waiting in its hands. Sometimes the gift amounts to an important life lesson and other times it may be a chance at shared joy and comradeship. In other situations, it may be a material blessing. You never know. Why not begin to cash in on those gifts in more proactive ways?

Do a little relationship inventory and examine each relationship, good and bad, in your life, and ask yourself what you could do to advance each one to a higher level.

Then go out and do it . . . one relationship at a time. Communicate. Open some new doors. Open your heart to newfound happiness. Love people with more of your heart. Give more of yourself.

While you're at it, be sure to remember and use this knowledge . . . The greatest gift of all is the one you can give someone. Your support and encouragement may make all the difference to someone in your life. Communicate with people. Connect with them. Give of yourself to all your relationships and the world of happiness and joy will open to you. Devote a little time to a relationship you may have neglected or never quite appreciated, and great things are sure to happen. Greater happiness and success will be yours.

Richard Hamon is a dynamic coach and therapist with 30 years of professional experience. Richard helps people to solve their relationship problems, enjoy truly extraordinary marriages and find exceptional success in all areas of their lives.

You'll find all kinds of articles on how to spice up your relationships and lead a happier life at Richard's website, Happy-Relationships.com. Find out about personal coaching programs to assist you in quickly reaching your loftiest goals. Discover eBooks, relaxation CDs and other informative products, such as a free relationship quiz to help you assess your relationship.

For more information on conducting state-of-the-art relationships, the latest research on true happiness, and Richard's products and services, please go to: http://happy-relationships.com

The Relationship Model of Addiction

"An inherent limitation of the medical model is ignoring the fact that 'pathological dependence' implies that a relationship, one that is emotional and psychological in nature, has formed with the substance or activity (i.e. gambling, porn, etc.) The 'pathological dependency' is a pathological relationship, one in which there is continuous and increasing emotional involvement."

The application of the disease concept to alcoholism, chemical dependency and addiction by the American Medical Association in 1956 marked a turning point in how addicts are viewed by treatment practitioners, significant others, the addicts themselves, as well the population at large. This turning point served to lessen the impact of stigma. There is less shame and secrecy associated now with being an addict, clearing the way towards seeking professional help. The shift in perception allowed for a more objective understanding of the disease and had a humanizing effect. The disease concept streamlined the process of assessment, diagnosis and treatment.

However, despite its reliance on objective, measurable data and tried and proven research, and beyond meeting the necessary criteria to be labeled a disease, we actually know little else about the emotional and psychological aspects of addiction.

The "Pathological Dependence" is a Pathological Relationship

An inherent limitation of the medical model is ignoring the fact that 'pathological dependence' implies that a relationship, one that is emotional and psychological in nature, has formed with the substance or activity (i.e. gambling, porn, etc.) The 'pathological dependency' is a pathological relationship, one in which there is continuous and increasing emotional involvement. The relationship with a source of relief that serves primarily to provide relief from emotional pain or frustration by bringing on a rush or high, pleasure, excitement or as an escape.

It's possible that the medical establishment never focused on or embraced the relationship aspect of addiction because the concept of relationship is subjective, immeasurable and not provable scientifically, and therefore ignored it. Yet it's clear to all of us that a relationship does exist; one that can be likened to a secret love affair.

Certainly the term "pathological" to describe this relationship is apt in a number of ways, beginning with the underlying obsession and desperation that drives the relationship, as the addict is out of control, unable to stop thinking about or pursuing it. The relationship is carried on behind a cloak of denial and deception, separate from the rest of the addict's life. This relationship immediately becomes the primary relationship, more powerful than any other. While the substance or activity provides much needed relief, it feeds the addiction by further starving the addict emotionally. As time goes by, the addict is becoming increasingly cut off from the rest of the world, from other people and relationships and is actually worse off than before s/he got involved in this relationship as the level of (pre-existing) pain increases over time. It's a relationship that offers no real emotional nourishment -- nothing healthy -- only an artificially induced high and temporary relief along with a number of harmful effects.

Etiology & Pre-disposing Conditions

Addiction is the result of non-emotionally nourishing relationships. The Relationship Model of Addiction is based on the premise that a relationship with a source of relief is driven by the need for relief from unmet emotional needs. The need to relieve pain is considered to be a basic human need, whether physical or emotional, and often becomes overpowering depending on the extent of pain. Human beings tend to avoid pain at all costs. Behaviorists have established the need to avoid pain as well as the need to relieve pain as primary motivational forces, i.e. negative and positive reinforcement. Emotionally based pain comes from unmet emotional needs, and leaves one in a dysphoric state thirsting for euphoria, or the most easily accessible, effective means of relief possible.

What happens when we're deprived of emotional nourishment? When we are unloved, don't receive the affection, attention, acknowledgement and appreciation we require? When we don't feel heard and understood? When we don't feel like we belong, or are special in any way? When we don't feel connected to someone? There is a build-up of hunger, shame and emptiness and the need to relieve this pain takes over. At some point, desperation sets in. One way or another, we'll find relief. We'll either find external sources of relief in the form of substances, activities or other relationships, or rely on tried and proven defense mechanisms at our disposal in the form of denial, delusion and deception.

Defending against pain involves and results in losing touch with our feelings. When losing touch with our feelings, we become more isolated and deprived, which leads to increasing pain, and the subsequent increasing need for relief becomes part of an endless vicious cycle, one in which self-growth and intimacy are impossible. Depending on the amount of pent-up pain, defending or coping can become overwhelmingly difficult, which is why there are so many people who commit suicide, suffer with depression, go crazy, become dependent on mind/mood-altering substances, or find other means of relief.

Why are so many people in so much pain?

Addiction doesn't occur in a vacuum. When we put the quality of relationships or the inability to communicate intimately under the microscope, a bleak image emerges. There are a lot of people fending for themselves in emotionally barren terrain. The overwhelming majority of families and relationships, including family of origin as well as current ones, are dysfunctional, non-intimate, non-emotionally nourishing.

Expanding the focus beyond family and current relationships to the rest of the world leaves an even bleaker image. Television and newspaper headlines inundate us daily with lurid descriptions of atrocities committed by human beings upon one another. We are bombarded by excess in the economic realm - by greed and corruption - as well as in the political realm by rampant abuses of power, terrorism, war, gangs, hatred, and seemingly endless cases of abuse, rape, kidnap and murder. And this is only the tip of the iceberg. We all know stories that never make the news - the secret horrors of violence, abuse and insanity in so many homes; homes that are the breeding grounds for what we see reported in newspapers and on television. All of this drains our vitality and reinforces the need to further insulate ourselves. After a while, apathy, alienation and emotional numbness become a state of existence.

Why do some people get addicted and not others?

The medical model approach to these questions is that alcoholism and chemical dependency are largely the result of genetic and biochemical factors. Evidence suggests that a history of addiction in one's family of origin or prior generations predisposes one to becoming addicted. Evidence also suggests biochemistry -- the unique combination of chemicals in the brain with mind/mood-altering substances brings about some kind of extraordinarily pleasurable experience and irresistible craving.

However, there are those who have addiction running rampant in their families or who have a biochemical predisposition for becoming an addict who do not become dependent. The same goes for a chemical imbalance. We may surmise, therefore, that becoming addicted involves more than just genetics or biology. By the same token, we know that the incidence of abuse in one's family of origin also correlates, but we don't know exactly why or how significant a role it has. Some people with a history of family of origin abuse may experiment with various mind/mood substances or activities, but don't become addicted. We might, therefore, strongly consider the level of pre-existing (emotional and physical) pain at the time of discovery another way to explain why some people and not others become addicted.

Perhaps the simplest explanation for the phenomenon of addiction is that it is a matter of the right chemistry. It is when the "right" person discovers the affect that a need for more develops. The right person could be anyone whose level of pre-existing emotional pain causes an extraordinarily pleasurable or pain-relieving gratifying experience.

The Relationship Model of Addiction establishes a new standard for understanding and treating addiction. It expands the disease concept by re-defining addiction as a relationship. The model accounts for the cause of addiction as related to the preponderance of non-emotionally nourishing relationships, unmet emotional needs, the resultant pain and need to relieve that pain. It identifies pre-disposing conditions as a backlog of pain, general state of dysphoria that goes beyond past and current relationships and includes the much larger social context. We know that despite the fact that this pain is subjective in nature, it is no less real or consequential than physical pain. Therefore we may assume that the greater the emotional deprivation, the greater the pain, the greater the need to relieve that pain and the more susceptible one is to becoming addicted.

The Relationship Model brings forth phenomenological or experiential, humanistic and existential perspectives; sheds light on the psychological dynamics of addiction; and holds profound treatment implications. We know that recovering addicts must eventually make the transition from "pathologically" dependent relationships based on the need for relief to sober healthy, intimate, emotionally nourishing relationships. Regardless of one's experience in past and current relationships, learning some basic principles, pitfalls, challenges and skills, can be an empowering turning point and unleash one's creative potential.

Author Bio:

Daniel Linder MFT is a licensed psychotherapist in the San Francisco Bay Area, Relationship Trainer, Addiction Specialist; Author: Demystifying Addiction, Relationship Recovery and numerous related articles; and to be released May, 2007: Intimacy, The Essence of True Love. Addiction CEU’s: Relational Recovery Training (8 CEU’s), The Relational Model of Addiction (6 CEU’s), Stigma, The Game of Appearances (3 CEU’s), Diagnosing Addiction and Mastering Intervention (2 CEU’s each) Advanced Clincial Training (2 CEUs.)

Website: http://www.RelationshipVision.com

E-mail: Daniel@RelationshipVision.com Addictions Recovery and Relationships blog: [http://www.sober.com/blogs/relationship_recovery/]

Healthy Relationships - Finding the True Meaning of Your Relationships

Everybody's busy. Life is demanding. There isn't enough time in the day . . .

so it's easy to understand why people neglect their relationships and fail to give them the attention and love they need.

Why It's So Easy To Neglect Relationships

1. We're too busy to deal with them (until we need something from someone)

2. We tell ourselves we'll do it later -- we'll call, stop by or write . . . (but we may not get around to it)

3. We are up to our eyeballs in the confusing clutter of demands, obligations and responsibilities

4. We are workaholics (or addicted in other ways)

5. We are independent individuals who feel we need no help, other than the company of a few select persons or resources

6. We think we have better things to do

7. We may believe that no one deserves us

8. We think our relationships will always be there

9. We assign a low priority to our relationships because they are unexciting

10. We sometimes avoid relationships because they are complicated, demanding or conflicted

I'll stop here because I'm sure you get the picture.

A True Story

For the purposes of this article, I'll make this brief . . . a few years ago I suffered a near death experience (NDE). An experience unlike any other of my life.

They called my family in from all over, thinking I was not going to make it. So my family hopped on airplanes and flew to the hospital where I was a patient, hoping to get there in time . . . to see me one last time.

But somehow . . . I survived. Oh, everyone said I was going to die, and should have died, but I had the great fortune of living.

I spent the next two weeks in the hospital, much of that time in two intensive care units. When I regained consciousness and overcame paralysis, I saw my entire family standing around my hospital bed. I had not seen some members of my family for years. I had not always been that close to every one of them.

Yet, I was not only over-joyed at the mere sight of them, but I felt as though I was floating on air, lifted above my nearly lifeless body by their combined love.

Suddenly I felt complete and abiding love for each person in my family, regardless of past troubles, separations or disagreements. In those precious moments after my NDE, I saw the truth about relationships -- a truth I had never seen. I found that truth overwhelming and, in some ways, mind-boggling . . .

in a nutshell,

the truth about relationships is . . .

our relationships are a hundred times more important than we realize.

Now, I must admit, there was a time in my life when I would have laughed at that statement! No, I didn't need my relationships, I was strong and fiercely independent.

Now, after surviving two skirmishes with death, and after finding myself face-to-face with realities few ever live to tell about, I doubt that statement could be more true . . .

unless, of course, I were to amend it as follows:

Our relationships are a thousand times more important than we realize! Yes, I said a thousand, and I did not intend it as metaphorical.

What Does This Mean To You And What Can You Do Right Now?

You needn't wait for your own NDE to uncover the truth about relationships. After all, only about 5% of the population seems to have NDEs. But you can learn from the experiences of others.

Humbly, I ask you to:

-- Take an inventory of your relationships, and ask yourself if you have taken any for granted. If so, take immediate steps to put those relationships on the front burner.

-- Stop and reflect on the many ways your relationships have influenced and supported, nourished and protected you . . . and make a concerted effort to nourish the relationships in your life more.

-- Realize you can't possibly count all the people who have helped you throughout the years. How many can you help now?

-- Think about ways to honor the people in your life, and find ways to invest more time and energy in your relationships.

-- Make every effort to conduct healthy relationships that work for both persons involved -- relationships that will reward you many times over and bring you much love and happiness.

-- Prize your family relationships. They are one of a kind. And there is no replacement for them. Give what you can to them . . . now.

In so many ways, before my NDE, I believe I was reluctant and sometimes afraid to conduct great relationships. When the veil of fear was removed, and I felt a newfound courage to love others as never before, my relationships made terrific strides forward.

By giving a laser focus to my relationships, new avenues for happiness and joy have opened up in my life. And I believe the same will happen for you, if you stop to reflect on the awe-inspiring power of relationships.

A Surefire Prescription For Living

I'm not big on prescriptions and formulas, but . . .

I'm certain this one will work!

Just live your life in such a way that you never neglect a single relationship . . . and you will become enormously wealthy. And you will measure your wealth in priceless terms.

Richard Hamon is a dynamic coach and therapist with 30 years of professional experience. Richard helps people to solve their relationship problems, enjoy truly extraordinary marriages and find exceptional success in all areas of their lives.

You'll find all kinds of articles on how to spice up your relationships and lead a happier life at Richard's website, Happy-Relationships.com. Find out about personal coaching programs to assist you in quickly reaching your loftiest goals. Discover eBooks, relaxation CDs and other informative products, such as a free relationship quiz to help you assess your relationship.

For more information on conducting state-of-the-art relationships, the latest research on true happiness, and Richard's products and services, please go to: http://happy-relationships.com

His & Hers - How to Share Emotional Space in a Relationship

How much emotional space do you take up in your relationship? Could the amount of emotional space you and your partner take up in the relationship have anything to do with whether your relationship makes it or not? Indeed it does. Definition of "emotional space": time and energy spent dealing with or listening to a person's emotions, words, thoughts, wants, needs, etc.

In terms of the emotional-space dynamic, there are three types of couples:

Type 1 emotional space dynamic: One person in the relationship takes up most of the emotional space.

This is the type of relationship in which one partner seems to be super-involved, expressing most of the feelings and needs in the relationship. This person may seem extreme, emotional, needy, intense, possessive, etc. The other partner in the relationship will seem to be hardly involved and will appear to have hardly any needs at all. The partner that seems super-involved is often filling up emotional space in the relationship, frequently out of fear that there will not be a relationship if the emotional space is not filled up.

Unfortunately, this is a mistake. The emotional life of the relationship needs to be generated by two people, as equally as possible. Otherwise, you end up with a lopsided relationship and with both people unhappy. One will be unhappy because he or she is always working on or putting into the relationship, and the other will be unhappy because he or she seemingly can't get a break from the drama.

What's more, the person who is taking up the emotional space in the relationship will eventually get burned out and will need to stop. If the lopsided relationship has been going on for too long, it may simply fall apart, because the partners will not be able to shift gears into sharing emotional space.

Type 2 emotional-space dynamic: Both people alternate in how much emotional space they take up, with one of them always taking up too much.

This type of relationship is a version of Type 1 above, except that the couple is more intertwined and involved with each other. This is a positive for the couple but it also makes them more volatile.

In this relationship, one person is always overbearing and the other person is always under-involved. The two of them spend most of the time dealing with each other's reactions and have little time or energy left for anything else.

These couples get exhausted and burned out and never get the closeness and connection they crave. They may end up being the couple who say, "I love you but can't live with you" to each other and get away from each other to simply reduce the drama.

Type 3 emotional-space dynamic: Neither person in the relationship takes up much or any emotional space.

This is a relationship in which people reach a minimum level of intimacy and stay there. They may enjoy each other's company, perhaps see each other on a regular basis, may even be intimate. They may have been together for a long time, or may even be living together or be married. Yet, they do not move deeper into each other's emotional lives.

For some people, this type of relationship is more than satisfying, more that enough. For others, it is only a satisfactory prelude to the real depth couples are capable of reaching together.

If you are in this type of relationship and it works for you, great. But if you are in this type of relationship and you want more, read the solution section below.

Type 4 emotional-space dynamic: Both people in the relationship take up enough emotional space to feel connected and loved.

Obviously, this is what a healthy relationship looks like. One aspect of a healthy relationship is that both people can stay involved emotionally and flow with the amount of space each one takes up at any given time. Some periods of time may be predominantly about one person, while most of the time the couple will stay fairly balanced. Neither partner will shut out the other or be too far emotionally removed from the relationship at any given time.

What to do if you are in a type 1, 2 or 3 relationships (see above):

Help for Type 1 relationship

If you are the person taking up most of the emotional space, stop. By taking up most of the space, you prevent your partner from participating in the relationship. Stop taking up the space by shifting your needs outside the relationship (not infidelity). Instead of talking to your partner, talk to your friends or family, or to your journal. Instead of asking for many needs to be met, ask for only some to be met, or for none to be met for a period of time.

Create a vacuum, so that your partner has something to step into. This means you stop trying to create the connection, stop trying to create spending time together, stop trying to be the center of attention. Step off the relationship stage for a bit and let the stage be empty. It will feel strange and uncomfortable, but it is necessary discomfort. If you will not give your partner the room to participate in the relationship, he or she may look for more connection elsewhere.

Get help in learning how to stop taking up so much emotional space. Hire a good therapist or a relationship coach to work on this. You may also need help as a couple in learning how to share the emotional space and in teaching your partner how to take up more space or step up more in the relationship.

Help for Type 2 relationship

Stop the drama. The key for both of you is to tone down a bit all of your emotions, needs, wants, upsets, etc. The two of you must learn to soothe and balance yourselves emotionally, so that no matter what happens, your reactions are minimal. The two of you must learn that you are adults and are OK no matter what.

If you stop having reactions or tone yours down and your partner continues his or hers, let him or her go on with this for a while. There maybe a time adjustment during which the two of you don't quite know what to do in your relationship.

The key is to learn to relate to each other in a more subtle, loving and calm way.

This may sound simple, but in fact it is difficult to do. Get help from a coach or a therapist on how to stop the drama and balance your relationship.

Help for Type 3 relationship

If you are in a relationship in which neither one of you takes up too much emotional space or gives too much emotionally, the two of you will eventually drift apart. If you want to keep the relationship, it's time to invest more of yourself in it and invite your partner to invest more as well.

But do not cross over into Type 1 relationship and take up all of the emotional space. Do go slowly; perhaps begin by sharing some small part of yourself you have been holding back. Be a bit more open and a bit more authentic in your responses. Take small emotional risks and see if your partner will follow.

Do be aware that your partner may not want to follow you into deeper emotional waters - some people are highly uncomfortable being close. If this is the case, you will need to choose whether you want to continue the relationship or not. You will need to decide how emotionally close a relationship you ultimately want to have with your life mate.

Here's what you want to shoot for in your relationship in terms of healthy emotional behavior and space:

o You and your partner can be yourselves with each other and appreciate each other's quirks.

o You and your partner always ask each other the things you want to know.

o You can bring up any subject, including the relationship, and your partner will talk to you

about it - maybe not gladly, but your partner will talk to you and try to resolve whatever issues you bring up. Sometimes your partner brings up issues.

o You and your partner can ask for what you need from each other. This doesn't mean either one of you always gets your way, but you can ask and be heard.

o Your partner knows you. You feel seen and appreciated.

o You know your partner. He feels seen and appreciated.

o You love and adore each other.

o You are still hot for each other.

o You can give each other space and time to do things without each other.

As in all things, when it comes to emotional space in relationships, balance the key. Work on balancing the amount of emotional space your take up in your relationship by working on being emotionally mature, so that both of you get to be yourself and be happy together.

© 2007 Love Coach Rinatta Paries. All rights reserved.

Love Coach Rinatta Paries is an internationally known dating, relationship and marriage expert, coach and author who helps men and women find or fix their loving relationship. Rinatta?s blog is a comprehensive resource with free articles and valuable relationship tools for men and women who want to attract or create a deeply loving relationship. Visit her blog at www.LoveCoachBlog.com or for her help in your relationship contact her at 888-215-6033

Are Your Friends Hurting Your Relationship?

You exist within a web of relationships. For instance, if your friend is going through tough times, you may find yourself feeling an emotional heaviness throughout the day, thinking and worrying about your friend. As this colors your mood, your partner may start to notice that lately you've been preoccupied and down. Since emotions are contagious, this will impact your partner in some way and her/his interactions with others may now be different as a result of what your friend shared with you.

How is this relevant to your marriage or relationship?

Your relationship exists within a larger social context, and your friends, coworkers, family, and even the society in which you live can directly or indirectly impact your relationship. Think of your relationship as one link on a never-ending chain of connectedness.

This was evident with two couples I recently coached:

A brief story of relationship isolation:

Tad and Wanda have lived together for a little over a year and during a recent coaching session, Wanda complained that "all of our friends seem to be getting divorced or breaking up. It's depressing and makes me think there's something wrong with me for trying to make my relationship work. When I try to talk to my friends about a fight I had with Tad, they just tell me to 'find someone better-suited to you,' or 'relationships are overrated anyway.' The whole 'there are lots of fish in the sea' mindset isn't helpful when I'm trying to make my relationship work now."

Tad and Wanda lack the couple-to-couple support that is vital for a sustainable, long-term relationship. They both struggle with feeling like the "oddball couple" in a sea of failed relationships (and they don't have any single friends who are pro-relationship)-and both acknowledged that this was starting to negatively impact their union.

A brief story of marital support:

Molly and Jeff have been together for eleven years. Both are retired and have been active participants in their local community and volunteer for numerous causes. This involvement has offered them opportunities to develop friendships and socialize with other couples.

Molly joked that their friends "saved our marriage on at least two occasions" because of the support they offered Molly. She shared, "If Jeff and I are going through a difficult time, for whatever reason, I don't feel alone. I have at least two other women I can talk to who have been through difficult times but they're still happily married...I know I'm not alone in my struggles and that makes a world of difference. And I have a few single friends who are supportive of my relationship and committed relationships in general, even though they're not in one now. All that encouragement among my friends really helps whenever I start to worry that the challenges of a romantic relationship might be too much for me."

The need for relationship support

Couples love to hear about other couples who have successful relationships. Have you ever noticed how people in relationships are happy to learn that a famous couple is in it for the long haul? Many couples feel validated to discover that their favorite movie star or musician has resisted the temptations that come with fame and are committed to one person. Notice your reaction the next time you hear that people you know and/or admire are splitting up.

Couples root for other couples-there is an unspoken, cosmic connection, a sense that we're in this together. If Brad and Angelina can make their relationship work, and your neighbors and friends can make their relationships work, you end up feeling more hopeful that you can make your own work.

Seek Out Relationship Support

Relationship support comes in many forms and the first step is to look in your own backyard. Make a list of all the individuals and couples you know and admire: family, friends, teachers, community leaders, local organizations or church members.

You might be surprised to learn that there are people in your life that have been married or together for a long time (and feel lucky to be with the same person). These couples can be an emotional resource for you and your partner. Would you consider asking them about their relationship, especially what has worked for them? Are you willing to seek their support when you (or your partner) need advice or guidance?

We all need relationship mentors-couples who have successfully navigated the complicated interpersonal terrain that comes with committed relationships. This doesn't mean you should overlook friends not currently in relationships as potential sources of support. Often single friends who understand and celebrate you and your relationship can be a safe place to go to when you need a different perspective or just need to vent.

Don't overlook the vast relationship wisdom that surrounds you.

Many couples like spending time with other couples. If most of your friends seem to be in dire relationship straits or your friends' values regarding commitment differ from your own, you need to expand your social network-seek out couples you and your partner can socialize with, couples dedicated to making their own relationships work. The goal of expanding your couples-support-system doesn't mean you have to abandon your current friends because they aren't in a relationship or their relationship is in trouble-it means that you enrich your circle of friends to include those that believe in the benefit of a long-term, committed relationship and will help support you in yours.

It might seem like a paradox that you can be with someone you deeply love, yet still feel isolated. Often couples assume feeling isolated means there is something wrong with their relationship-while this can be an indication that there are problems that need to be addressed, it can also be an indication that your relationship is surrounded by negativity and a lack of support.

No matter how strong your relationship might seem, you and your partner do not exist in a vacuum. When you establish the goal of building a support network for your relationship, you have taken an important step in buffering the damaging effects of relationship-isolation.

Is your relationship worth protecting? Are you ready to make your marriage everything it can be?

To discover more relationship tips, visit http://StrengthenYourRelationship.com/ and sign up for Dr. Nicastro's FREE Relationship Toolbox Newsletter.

As a bonus, you will receive the popular free reports: "The four mindsets that can topple your relationship" and "Relationship self-defense: Control the way you argue before your arguments control you."

Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. is a psychologist and relationship coach who is passionate about helping couples protect the sanctuary of their relationship. Rich and his wife Lucia founded LifeTalk Coaching, an internet-based coaching business that helps couples strengthen their relationships.

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