Relationship Problems - 10 Big Relationship Mistakes and What You Can Do About Them

Life is all about relationships - marriages, families, friends, jobs, teams, etc, are just a few of the relationships we may be a part of. All relationships are give-and-take; and, in all relationships, you reap what you sow. If you are experiencing relationship difficulties, honestly examine your relationships for the presence of any of the destructive behaviors listed below. Identifying and removing, or correcting, the hurtful behavior will open the door for relationship harmony in any type of relationship. Which of these things are you doing to wreck your relationship, or is someone you know doing to wreck their own relationship?

1. Abuse of any kind (mental, emotional, verbal, physical, etc...), including being mean-spirited, cruel, intimidating, or intentionally hurtful in any way is an obvious sign of serious problems. Love and forgiveness are essential; but this damaging and potentially dangerous behavior has to be immediately changed, or removed - an abusive relationship is not the kind of relationship anyone wants or needs.

2. Belittling, insulting, embarrassing, humiliating, or otherwise making someone feel small, weak, dumb, useless, or inferior in any way is another way to destroy your relationship - all at once, or over time. Unless you want to be in relationship with someone small, you should build-up the people you associate with; it gives you a better set of associations, if nothing else.

3. Cheating is an obvious threat to any romantic relationship; but unfaithfulness and disloyalty are deal-breakers in most types of relationships. There can be great rewards to practicing faithfulness in life.

4. Dishonesty, deceit, deception, lies, and treachery of any kind will ultimately unravel and cause bigger problems that the scheme was worth in the first place. Honesty, though sometimes painful, is the best policy.

5. Inflexibility, rigidity, unwillingness, and dogmatic positions keep people and relationships fixated, stagnant, and stuck in ruts. Change is constant; and it's crazy to think that you can be in a relationship without changing, and being changed by the relationship. The key is to choose the way you allow the changes to shape you by bending willfully and intentionally in the direction of your relationship - creating and shaping yourself, your life, and your relationship as you go.

6. Forgetting dates, anniversaries, favorites, etc, can be somewhat hurtful; but forgetting how and why you are in relationship can destroy it. Forgetting your priorities can cause you to let your relationships whither; and forgetting how you initiated, or won, that relationship can keep you from being able to rescue, salvage, repair, or reclaim it.

7. Inconsideration, selfishness, self-centeredness, etc, can be forgiven; but they can also end relationships. Most people get tired of selfish or manipulative behavior after awhile - like the story of the boy who cried wolf. After awhile, a lack of consideration of others will cause them to no longer consider you. Put energy and attention into others and they will put it into you.

8. Judgment, criticism, blame, or condemnation has no place in any happy life or relationship. The presence of any of these things indicates a relationship in trouble. Learn acceptance, allowance, and forgiveness if you want to save your relationship. Would you rather be right, or happy?

9. Disrespect, including rudeness, insults, and intrusive behaviors, is a good way to show someone that they need another partner. Respect your partner's opinions, beliefs, person, and property if you expect the same in return.

10. Ignorance, ignoring a person, not listening, paying attention to, noticing, learning, growing, or evolving, may not seem like a mistake; but it is. If something is not growing, it's dying; and, if you aren't learning about your partner, your relationship is dying. You know very little about a person when you first get into a relationship. Live, learn, and love.

These aren't the only mistakes people make in relationships; but they are very big, and very common, mistakes that can ruin, or end, relationships. These mistakes are also forgivable; and anyone is capable of making and learning from these mistakes in such a way as to ensure they never happen again. We can all learn from our mistakes and grow into wiser, happier, healthier people in stronger, happier relationships. Start paying attention to your thoughts, words, and actions; and, if you notice yourself acting out any of these common relationship mistakes, take immediate corrective measures to restore love and harmony where you allowed fear and disharmony to creep in. You and your relationship will be better and stronger as a result.

*To download your FREE, Illustrated Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) Manual, go to: http://www.ExploreExpandEvolve.com/free_download/ (It only takes about 10-seconds to get your Free EFT manual and start erasing negative emotions, grudges, fears and limiting beliefs that could be ruining your relationship and quality of life! EFT can also help you eliminate health problems, and self-esteem and body-image issues that can also have negative influences on your life, health, and relationships.)

Pete Koerner is the author of The Belief Formula: The Secret to Unlocking the Power of Prayer. The Belief Formula is a look at how you can use ancient wisdom and modern scientific awareness to learn how to use your mind to reclaim your health and create the life of your dreams.

For a Free Report on Making The Belief Formula Work for You, visit: http://www.TheBeliefFormula.com

Successful Relationships - Mining Relationship Gold

This brief article shows how we neglect our relationships and clarifies the utter importance of relationships . . . while explaining a powerful strategy for getting the most of all your relationships and mining the gold within each and every relationship in your life.

Please let me say from the beginning that I am a relationship specialist, and I have done relationship therapy and coaching for almost thirty years. Now, I want you to know that a few years ago I suffered a near death experience (NDE), in which I learned just how essential relationships truly are to all of us . . . even more essential than I had dreamed!

This article will detail one of the insights I gained from my tragic but extremely helpful NDE, along with a perspective resulting from my long career as a relationship therapist.

How We Neglect Relationships

We don't mean to neglect our important relationships -- and they are all important! -- begins in our minds when we tell ourselves a fictional story. The story varies but goes something like this:

"A few of my relationships are important. I like some people in my family, and I have close friends and colleagues . . . but I don't have time to take an interest in many of the people in my life. And I have no patience for problems that may occur in my relationships."

Now when things go wrong, such as having an argument with a family member, we often think thoughts like these:

"To heck with him, I don't have time for any grief, if he wants to get mad at me, let him! I won't speak to him for years . . . I'll pretend like he doesn't exist. I don't want any part of my brother because he's an idiot! If he calls me again, I simply will not answer the phone!"

Another way we neglect relationships is simply to spend very little time getting to know people, and not taking an interest in more distant family members or friends, or to forget about people and just concentrate on ourselves.

A Case In Point

About a decade ago, a family member I hardly knew came to see me. He brought his wife and we had dinner together. Before he left I promised I'd go and visit him at his house very soon.

Well, I got busy and didn't go . . . his wife died a few months later.

Then I heard he was struggling to keep his interest in living, and I told myself I'd go and cheer him up. But I got busy and guess what? I didn't go.

He died a few weeks later.

Ever since then, I have been angry with myself. Oh, how I wish I had taken more of an interest in him. He seemed so interesting, and so wonderful, yet I had no time for this man, a member of my extended family, who had always lived just under my radar.

Sadly, I squandered an opportunity that will never come again. He's gone. She's gone. And I didn't even take the time to go to him in his hour of need.

What a jerk . . . I was!

Now, I would give anything to have another chance to be there for that wonderful couple. At this man's funeral, I discovered something I didn't know about him. I learned he and I were members of the same fraternity . . . a secret no one in the family had realized.

I was stunned to learn that he and I had held strikingly similar views on many things, that he and I were brothers in many senses of the word, and yet my stupidity had kept me from getting to know him and becoming his friend and ally.

What an incredible opportunity I missed. What kinds of things might we have done together? What a great relationship this might have been for both of us!

I am loathe to admit this, but this is only one tragic story of its kind in my life. Now, I can hardly believe I was like that . . . or I had made such foolish decisions . . . how blind I have been.

There are countless ways to neglect or tear down our relationships, and it never pays . . . it's always foolhardy! Every single relationship in your life is like a bank account with all kinds of deposits in it.

Neglect a relationship, and you lose. Along with many other people. The ripples go out for a long ways when we toss a pebble into the ocean of human relationships. And those ripples touch so many lives in so many ways.

Before my NDE, I made lots of assumptions about my relationships and took them for granted. I made very little effort to go out of my way for anyone, unless it benefitted me in some fashion. How sad . . . how short-sighted!

But after my NDE, I try to take every opportunity to see the beauty in people, and to explore my relationships, and ultimately to mine the gold that lies dormant within each and every one. And, believe me, there is unseen gold in all of them!

Now I see relationship problems in a new light: all problems are worth solving! Your relationships are worth the effort. Taking the easy way out will only hurt you, in the end, and detract from your happiness . . . and peace of mind.

A Powerful Strategy For Mining Your Relationships

Every relationship in your life has a hidden gift for you, waiting in its hands. Sometimes the gift amounts to an important life lesson and other times it may be a chance at shared joy and comradeship. In other situations, it may be a material blessing. You never know. Why not begin to cash in on those gifts in more proactive ways?

Do a little relationship inventory and examine each relationship, good and bad, in your life, and ask yourself what you could do to advance each one to a higher level.

Then go out and do it . . . one relationship at a time. Communicate. Open some new doors. Open your heart to newfound happiness. Love people with more of your heart. Give more of yourself.

While you're at it, be sure to remember and use this knowledge . . . The greatest gift of all is the one you can give someone. Your support and encouragement may make all the difference to someone in your life. Communicate with people. Connect with them. Give of yourself to all your relationships and the world of happiness and joy will open to you. Devote a little time to a relationship you may have neglected or never quite appreciated, and great things are sure to happen. Greater happiness and success will be yours.

Richard Hamon is a dynamic coach and therapist with 30 years of professional experience. Richard helps people to solve their relationship problems, enjoy truly extraordinary marriages and find exceptional success in all areas of their lives.

You'll find all kinds of articles on how to spice up your relationships and lead a happier life at Richard's website, Happy-Relationships.com. Find out about personal coaching programs to assist you in quickly reaching your loftiest goals. Discover eBooks, relaxation CDs and other informative products, such as a free relationship quiz to help you assess your relationship.

For more information on conducting state-of-the-art relationships, the latest research on true happiness, and Richard's products and services, please go to: http://happy-relationships.com

The Relationship Model of Addiction

"An inherent limitation of the medical model is ignoring the fact that 'pathological dependence' implies that a relationship, one that is emotional and psychological in nature, has formed with the substance or activity (i.e. gambling, porn, etc.) The 'pathological dependency' is a pathological relationship, one in which there is continuous and increasing emotional involvement."

The application of the disease concept to alcoholism, chemical dependency and addiction by the American Medical Association in 1956 marked a turning point in how addicts are viewed by treatment practitioners, significant others, the addicts themselves, as well the population at large. This turning point served to lessen the impact of stigma. There is less shame and secrecy associated now with being an addict, clearing the way towards seeking professional help. The shift in perception allowed for a more objective understanding of the disease and had a humanizing effect. The disease concept streamlined the process of assessment, diagnosis and treatment.

However, despite its reliance on objective, measurable data and tried and proven research, and beyond meeting the necessary criteria to be labeled a disease, we actually know little else about the emotional and psychological aspects of addiction.

The "Pathological Dependence" is a Pathological Relationship

An inherent limitation of the medical model is ignoring the fact that 'pathological dependence' implies that a relationship, one that is emotional and psychological in nature, has formed with the substance or activity (i.e. gambling, porn, etc.) The 'pathological dependency' is a pathological relationship, one in which there is continuous and increasing emotional involvement. The relationship with a source of relief that serves primarily to provide relief from emotional pain or frustration by bringing on a rush or high, pleasure, excitement or as an escape.

It's possible that the medical establishment never focused on or embraced the relationship aspect of addiction because the concept of relationship is subjective, immeasurable and not provable scientifically, and therefore ignored it. Yet it's clear to all of us that a relationship does exist; one that can be likened to a secret love affair.

Certainly the term "pathological" to describe this relationship is apt in a number of ways, beginning with the underlying obsession and desperation that drives the relationship, as the addict is out of control, unable to stop thinking about or pursuing it. The relationship is carried on behind a cloak of denial and deception, separate from the rest of the addict's life. This relationship immediately becomes the primary relationship, more powerful than any other. While the substance or activity provides much needed relief, it feeds the addiction by further starving the addict emotionally. As time goes by, the addict is becoming increasingly cut off from the rest of the world, from other people and relationships and is actually worse off than before s/he got involved in this relationship as the level of (pre-existing) pain increases over time. It's a relationship that offers no real emotional nourishment -- nothing healthy -- only an artificially induced high and temporary relief along with a number of harmful effects.

Etiology & Pre-disposing Conditions

Addiction is the result of non-emotionally nourishing relationships. The Relationship Model of Addiction is based on the premise that a relationship with a source of relief is driven by the need for relief from unmet emotional needs. The need to relieve pain is considered to be a basic human need, whether physical or emotional, and often becomes overpowering depending on the extent of pain. Human beings tend to avoid pain at all costs. Behaviorists have established the need to avoid pain as well as the need to relieve pain as primary motivational forces, i.e. negative and positive reinforcement. Emotionally based pain comes from unmet emotional needs, and leaves one in a dysphoric state thirsting for euphoria, or the most easily accessible, effective means of relief possible.

What happens when we're deprived of emotional nourishment? When we are unloved, don't receive the affection, attention, acknowledgement and appreciation we require? When we don't feel heard and understood? When we don't feel like we belong, or are special in any way? When we don't feel connected to someone? There is a build-up of hunger, shame and emptiness and the need to relieve this pain takes over. At some point, desperation sets in. One way or another, we'll find relief. We'll either find external sources of relief in the form of substances, activities or other relationships, or rely on tried and proven defense mechanisms at our disposal in the form of denial, delusion and deception.

Defending against pain involves and results in losing touch with our feelings. When losing touch with our feelings, we become more isolated and deprived, which leads to increasing pain, and the subsequent increasing need for relief becomes part of an endless vicious cycle, one in which self-growth and intimacy are impossible. Depending on the amount of pent-up pain, defending or coping can become overwhelmingly difficult, which is why there are so many people who commit suicide, suffer with depression, go crazy, become dependent on mind/mood-altering substances, or find other means of relief.

Why are so many people in so much pain?

Addiction doesn't occur in a vacuum. When we put the quality of relationships or the inability to communicate intimately under the microscope, a bleak image emerges. There are a lot of people fending for themselves in emotionally barren terrain. The overwhelming majority of families and relationships, including family of origin as well as current ones, are dysfunctional, non-intimate, non-emotionally nourishing.

Expanding the focus beyond family and current relationships to the rest of the world leaves an even bleaker image. Television and newspaper headlines inundate us daily with lurid descriptions of atrocities committed by human beings upon one another. We are bombarded by excess in the economic realm - by greed and corruption - as well as in the political realm by rampant abuses of power, terrorism, war, gangs, hatred, and seemingly endless cases of abuse, rape, kidnap and murder. And this is only the tip of the iceberg. We all know stories that never make the news - the secret horrors of violence, abuse and insanity in so many homes; homes that are the breeding grounds for what we see reported in newspapers and on television. All of this drains our vitality and reinforces the need to further insulate ourselves. After a while, apathy, alienation and emotional numbness become a state of existence.

Why do some people get addicted and not others?

The medical model approach to these questions is that alcoholism and chemical dependency are largely the result of genetic and biochemical factors. Evidence suggests that a history of addiction in one's family of origin or prior generations predisposes one to becoming addicted. Evidence also suggests biochemistry -- the unique combination of chemicals in the brain with mind/mood-altering substances brings about some kind of extraordinarily pleasurable experience and irresistible craving.

However, there are those who have addiction running rampant in their families or who have a biochemical predisposition for becoming an addict who do not become dependent. The same goes for a chemical imbalance. We may surmise, therefore, that becoming addicted involves more than just genetics or biology. By the same token, we know that the incidence of abuse in one's family of origin also correlates, but we don't know exactly why or how significant a role it has. Some people with a history of family of origin abuse may experiment with various mind/mood substances or activities, but don't become addicted. We might, therefore, strongly consider the level of pre-existing (emotional and physical) pain at the time of discovery another way to explain why some people and not others become addicted.

Perhaps the simplest explanation for the phenomenon of addiction is that it is a matter of the right chemistry. It is when the "right" person discovers the affect that a need for more develops. The right person could be anyone whose level of pre-existing emotional pain causes an extraordinarily pleasurable or pain-relieving gratifying experience.

The Relationship Model of Addiction establishes a new standard for understanding and treating addiction. It expands the disease concept by re-defining addiction as a relationship. The model accounts for the cause of addiction as related to the preponderance of non-emotionally nourishing relationships, unmet emotional needs, the resultant pain and need to relieve that pain. It identifies pre-disposing conditions as a backlog of pain, general state of dysphoria that goes beyond past and current relationships and includes the much larger social context. We know that despite the fact that this pain is subjective in nature, it is no less real or consequential than physical pain. Therefore we may assume that the greater the emotional deprivation, the greater the pain, the greater the need to relieve that pain and the more susceptible one is to becoming addicted.

The Relationship Model brings forth phenomenological or experiential, humanistic and existential perspectives; sheds light on the psychological dynamics of addiction; and holds profound treatment implications. We know that recovering addicts must eventually make the transition from "pathologically" dependent relationships based on the need for relief to sober healthy, intimate, emotionally nourishing relationships. Regardless of one's experience in past and current relationships, learning some basic principles, pitfalls, challenges and skills, can be an empowering turning point and unleash one's creative potential.

Author Bio:

Daniel Linder MFT is a licensed psychotherapist in the San Francisco Bay Area, Relationship Trainer, Addiction Specialist; Author: Demystifying Addiction, Relationship Recovery and numerous related articles; and to be released May, 2007: Intimacy, The Essence of True Love. Addiction CEU’s: Relational Recovery Training (8 CEU’s), The Relational Model of Addiction (6 CEU’s), Stigma, The Game of Appearances (3 CEU’s), Diagnosing Addiction and Mastering Intervention (2 CEU’s each) Advanced Clincial Training (2 CEUs.)

Website: http://www.RelationshipVision.com

E-mail: Daniel@RelationshipVision.com Addictions Recovery and Relationships blog: [http://www.sober.com/blogs/relationship_recovery/]

Healthy Relationships - Finding the True Meaning of Your Relationships

Everybody's busy. Life is demanding. There isn't enough time in the day . . .

so it's easy to understand why people neglect their relationships and fail to give them the attention and love they need.

Why It's So Easy To Neglect Relationships

1. We're too busy to deal with them (until we need something from someone)

2. We tell ourselves we'll do it later -- we'll call, stop by or write . . . (but we may not get around to it)

3. We are up to our eyeballs in the confusing clutter of demands, obligations and responsibilities

4. We are workaholics (or addicted in other ways)

5. We are independent individuals who feel we need no help, other than the company of a few select persons or resources

6. We think we have better things to do

7. We may believe that no one deserves us

8. We think our relationships will always be there

9. We assign a low priority to our relationships because they are unexciting

10. We sometimes avoid relationships because they are complicated, demanding or conflicted

I'll stop here because I'm sure you get the picture.

A True Story

For the purposes of this article, I'll make this brief . . . a few years ago I suffered a near death experience (NDE). An experience unlike any other of my life.

They called my family in from all over, thinking I was not going to make it. So my family hopped on airplanes and flew to the hospital where I was a patient, hoping to get there in time . . . to see me one last time.

But somehow . . . I survived. Oh, everyone said I was going to die, and should have died, but I had the great fortune of living.

I spent the next two weeks in the hospital, much of that time in two intensive care units. When I regained consciousness and overcame paralysis, I saw my entire family standing around my hospital bed. I had not seen some members of my family for years. I had not always been that close to every one of them.

Yet, I was not only over-joyed at the mere sight of them, but I felt as though I was floating on air, lifted above my nearly lifeless body by their combined love.

Suddenly I felt complete and abiding love for each person in my family, regardless of past troubles, separations or disagreements. In those precious moments after my NDE, I saw the truth about relationships -- a truth I had never seen. I found that truth overwhelming and, in some ways, mind-boggling . . .

in a nutshell,

the truth about relationships is . . .

our relationships are a hundred times more important than we realize.

Now, I must admit, there was a time in my life when I would have laughed at that statement! No, I didn't need my relationships, I was strong and fiercely independent.

Now, after surviving two skirmishes with death, and after finding myself face-to-face with realities few ever live to tell about, I doubt that statement could be more true . . .

unless, of course, I were to amend it as follows:

Our relationships are a thousand times more important than we realize! Yes, I said a thousand, and I did not intend it as metaphorical.

What Does This Mean To You And What Can You Do Right Now?

You needn't wait for your own NDE to uncover the truth about relationships. After all, only about 5% of the population seems to have NDEs. But you can learn from the experiences of others.

Humbly, I ask you to:

-- Take an inventory of your relationships, and ask yourself if you have taken any for granted. If so, take immediate steps to put those relationships on the front burner.

-- Stop and reflect on the many ways your relationships have influenced and supported, nourished and protected you . . . and make a concerted effort to nourish the relationships in your life more.

-- Realize you can't possibly count all the people who have helped you throughout the years. How many can you help now?

-- Think about ways to honor the people in your life, and find ways to invest more time and energy in your relationships.

-- Make every effort to conduct healthy relationships that work for both persons involved -- relationships that will reward you many times over and bring you much love and happiness.

-- Prize your family relationships. They are one of a kind. And there is no replacement for them. Give what you can to them . . . now.

In so many ways, before my NDE, I believe I was reluctant and sometimes afraid to conduct great relationships. When the veil of fear was removed, and I felt a newfound courage to love others as never before, my relationships made terrific strides forward.

By giving a laser focus to my relationships, new avenues for happiness and joy have opened up in my life. And I believe the same will happen for you, if you stop to reflect on the awe-inspiring power of relationships.

A Surefire Prescription For Living

I'm not big on prescriptions and formulas, but . . .

I'm certain this one will work!

Just live your life in such a way that you never neglect a single relationship . . . and you will become enormously wealthy. And you will measure your wealth in priceless terms.

Richard Hamon is a dynamic coach and therapist with 30 years of professional experience. Richard helps people to solve their relationship problems, enjoy truly extraordinary marriages and find exceptional success in all areas of their lives.

You'll find all kinds of articles on how to spice up your relationships and lead a happier life at Richard's website, Happy-Relationships.com. Find out about personal coaching programs to assist you in quickly reaching your loftiest goals. Discover eBooks, relaxation CDs and other informative products, such as a free relationship quiz to help you assess your relationship.

For more information on conducting state-of-the-art relationships, the latest research on true happiness, and Richard's products and services, please go to: http://happy-relationships.com

His & Hers - How to Share Emotional Space in a Relationship

How much emotional space do you take up in your relationship? Could the amount of emotional space you and your partner take up in the relationship have anything to do with whether your relationship makes it or not? Indeed it does. Definition of "emotional space": time and energy spent dealing with or listening to a person's emotions, words, thoughts, wants, needs, etc.

In terms of the emotional-space dynamic, there are three types of couples:

Type 1 emotional space dynamic: One person in the relationship takes up most of the emotional space.

This is the type of relationship in which one partner seems to be super-involved, expressing most of the feelings and needs in the relationship. This person may seem extreme, emotional, needy, intense, possessive, etc. The other partner in the relationship will seem to be hardly involved and will appear to have hardly any needs at all. The partner that seems super-involved is often filling up emotional space in the relationship, frequently out of fear that there will not be a relationship if the emotional space is not filled up.

Unfortunately, this is a mistake. The emotional life of the relationship needs to be generated by two people, as equally as possible. Otherwise, you end up with a lopsided relationship and with both people unhappy. One will be unhappy because he or she is always working on or putting into the relationship, and the other will be unhappy because he or she seemingly can't get a break from the drama.

What's more, the person who is taking up the emotional space in the relationship will eventually get burned out and will need to stop. If the lopsided relationship has been going on for too long, it may simply fall apart, because the partners will not be able to shift gears into sharing emotional space.

Type 2 emotional-space dynamic: Both people alternate in how much emotional space they take up, with one of them always taking up too much.

This type of relationship is a version of Type 1 above, except that the couple is more intertwined and involved with each other. This is a positive for the couple but it also makes them more volatile.

In this relationship, one person is always overbearing and the other person is always under-involved. The two of them spend most of the time dealing with each other's reactions and have little time or energy left for anything else.

These couples get exhausted and burned out and never get the closeness and connection they crave. They may end up being the couple who say, "I love you but can't live with you" to each other and get away from each other to simply reduce the drama.

Type 3 emotional-space dynamic: Neither person in the relationship takes up much or any emotional space.

This is a relationship in which people reach a minimum level of intimacy and stay there. They may enjoy each other's company, perhaps see each other on a regular basis, may even be intimate. They may have been together for a long time, or may even be living together or be married. Yet, they do not move deeper into each other's emotional lives.

For some people, this type of relationship is more than satisfying, more that enough. For others, it is only a satisfactory prelude to the real depth couples are capable of reaching together.

If you are in this type of relationship and it works for you, great. But if you are in this type of relationship and you want more, read the solution section below.

Type 4 emotional-space dynamic: Both people in the relationship take up enough emotional space to feel connected and loved.

Obviously, this is what a healthy relationship looks like. One aspect of a healthy relationship is that both people can stay involved emotionally and flow with the amount of space each one takes up at any given time. Some periods of time may be predominantly about one person, while most of the time the couple will stay fairly balanced. Neither partner will shut out the other or be too far emotionally removed from the relationship at any given time.

What to do if you are in a type 1, 2 or 3 relationships (see above):

Help for Type 1 relationship

If you are the person taking up most of the emotional space, stop. By taking up most of the space, you prevent your partner from participating in the relationship. Stop taking up the space by shifting your needs outside the relationship (not infidelity). Instead of talking to your partner, talk to your friends or family, or to your journal. Instead of asking for many needs to be met, ask for only some to be met, or for none to be met for a period of time.

Create a vacuum, so that your partner has something to step into. This means you stop trying to create the connection, stop trying to create spending time together, stop trying to be the center of attention. Step off the relationship stage for a bit and let the stage be empty. It will feel strange and uncomfortable, but it is necessary discomfort. If you will not give your partner the room to participate in the relationship, he or she may look for more connection elsewhere.

Get help in learning how to stop taking up so much emotional space. Hire a good therapist or a relationship coach to work on this. You may also need help as a couple in learning how to share the emotional space and in teaching your partner how to take up more space or step up more in the relationship.

Help for Type 2 relationship

Stop the drama. The key for both of you is to tone down a bit all of your emotions, needs, wants, upsets, etc. The two of you must learn to soothe and balance yourselves emotionally, so that no matter what happens, your reactions are minimal. The two of you must learn that you are adults and are OK no matter what.

If you stop having reactions or tone yours down and your partner continues his or hers, let him or her go on with this for a while. There maybe a time adjustment during which the two of you don't quite know what to do in your relationship.

The key is to learn to relate to each other in a more subtle, loving and calm way.

This may sound simple, but in fact it is difficult to do. Get help from a coach or a therapist on how to stop the drama and balance your relationship.

Help for Type 3 relationship

If you are in a relationship in which neither one of you takes up too much emotional space or gives too much emotionally, the two of you will eventually drift apart. If you want to keep the relationship, it's time to invest more of yourself in it and invite your partner to invest more as well.

But do not cross over into Type 1 relationship and take up all of the emotional space. Do go slowly; perhaps begin by sharing some small part of yourself you have been holding back. Be a bit more open and a bit more authentic in your responses. Take small emotional risks and see if your partner will follow.

Do be aware that your partner may not want to follow you into deeper emotional waters - some people are highly uncomfortable being close. If this is the case, you will need to choose whether you want to continue the relationship or not. You will need to decide how emotionally close a relationship you ultimately want to have with your life mate.

Here's what you want to shoot for in your relationship in terms of healthy emotional behavior and space:

o You and your partner can be yourselves with each other and appreciate each other's quirks.

o You and your partner always ask each other the things you want to know.

o You can bring up any subject, including the relationship, and your partner will talk to you

about it - maybe not gladly, but your partner will talk to you and try to resolve whatever issues you bring up. Sometimes your partner brings up issues.

o You and your partner can ask for what you need from each other. This doesn't mean either one of you always gets your way, but you can ask and be heard.

o Your partner knows you. You feel seen and appreciated.

o You know your partner. He feels seen and appreciated.

o You love and adore each other.

o You are still hot for each other.

o You can give each other space and time to do things without each other.

As in all things, when it comes to emotional space in relationships, balance the key. Work on balancing the amount of emotional space your take up in your relationship by working on being emotionally mature, so that both of you get to be yourself and be happy together.

© 2007 Love Coach Rinatta Paries. All rights reserved.

Love Coach Rinatta Paries is an internationally known dating, relationship and marriage expert, coach and author who helps men and women find or fix their loving relationship. Rinatta?s blog is a comprehensive resource with free articles and valuable relationship tools for men and women who want to attract or create a deeply loving relationship. Visit her blog at www.LoveCoachBlog.com or for her help in your relationship contact her at 888-215-6033

Are Your Friends Hurting Your Relationship?

You exist within a web of relationships. For instance, if your friend is going through tough times, you may find yourself feeling an emotional heaviness throughout the day, thinking and worrying about your friend. As this colors your mood, your partner may start to notice that lately you've been preoccupied and down. Since emotions are contagious, this will impact your partner in some way and her/his interactions with others may now be different as a result of what your friend shared with you.

How is this relevant to your marriage or relationship?

Your relationship exists within a larger social context, and your friends, coworkers, family, and even the society in which you live can directly or indirectly impact your relationship. Think of your relationship as one link on a never-ending chain of connectedness.

This was evident with two couples I recently coached:

A brief story of relationship isolation:

Tad and Wanda have lived together for a little over a year and during a recent coaching session, Wanda complained that "all of our friends seem to be getting divorced or breaking up. It's depressing and makes me think there's something wrong with me for trying to make my relationship work. When I try to talk to my friends about a fight I had with Tad, they just tell me to 'find someone better-suited to you,' or 'relationships are overrated anyway.' The whole 'there are lots of fish in the sea' mindset isn't helpful when I'm trying to make my relationship work now."

Tad and Wanda lack the couple-to-couple support that is vital for a sustainable, long-term relationship. They both struggle with feeling like the "oddball couple" in a sea of failed relationships (and they don't have any single friends who are pro-relationship)-and both acknowledged that this was starting to negatively impact their union.

A brief story of marital support:

Molly and Jeff have been together for eleven years. Both are retired and have been active participants in their local community and volunteer for numerous causes. This involvement has offered them opportunities to develop friendships and socialize with other couples.

Molly joked that their friends "saved our marriage on at least two occasions" because of the support they offered Molly. She shared, "If Jeff and I are going through a difficult time, for whatever reason, I don't feel alone. I have at least two other women I can talk to who have been through difficult times but they're still happily married...I know I'm not alone in my struggles and that makes a world of difference. And I have a few single friends who are supportive of my relationship and committed relationships in general, even though they're not in one now. All that encouragement among my friends really helps whenever I start to worry that the challenges of a romantic relationship might be too much for me."

The need for relationship support

Couples love to hear about other couples who have successful relationships. Have you ever noticed how people in relationships are happy to learn that a famous couple is in it for the long haul? Many couples feel validated to discover that their favorite movie star or musician has resisted the temptations that come with fame and are committed to one person. Notice your reaction the next time you hear that people you know and/or admire are splitting up.

Couples root for other couples-there is an unspoken, cosmic connection, a sense that we're in this together. If Brad and Angelina can make their relationship work, and your neighbors and friends can make their relationships work, you end up feeling more hopeful that you can make your own work.

Seek Out Relationship Support

Relationship support comes in many forms and the first step is to look in your own backyard. Make a list of all the individuals and couples you know and admire: family, friends, teachers, community leaders, local organizations or church members.

You might be surprised to learn that there are people in your life that have been married or together for a long time (and feel lucky to be with the same person). These couples can be an emotional resource for you and your partner. Would you consider asking them about their relationship, especially what has worked for them? Are you willing to seek their support when you (or your partner) need advice or guidance?

We all need relationship mentors-couples who have successfully navigated the complicated interpersonal terrain that comes with committed relationships. This doesn't mean you should overlook friends not currently in relationships as potential sources of support. Often single friends who understand and celebrate you and your relationship can be a safe place to go to when you need a different perspective or just need to vent.

Don't overlook the vast relationship wisdom that surrounds you.

Many couples like spending time with other couples. If most of your friends seem to be in dire relationship straits or your friends' values regarding commitment differ from your own, you need to expand your social network-seek out couples you and your partner can socialize with, couples dedicated to making their own relationships work. The goal of expanding your couples-support-system doesn't mean you have to abandon your current friends because they aren't in a relationship or their relationship is in trouble-it means that you enrich your circle of friends to include those that believe in the benefit of a long-term, committed relationship and will help support you in yours.

It might seem like a paradox that you can be with someone you deeply love, yet still feel isolated. Often couples assume feeling isolated means there is something wrong with their relationship-while this can be an indication that there are problems that need to be addressed, it can also be an indication that your relationship is surrounded by negativity and a lack of support.

No matter how strong your relationship might seem, you and your partner do not exist in a vacuum. When you establish the goal of building a support network for your relationship, you have taken an important step in buffering the damaging effects of relationship-isolation.

Is your relationship worth protecting? Are you ready to make your marriage everything it can be?

To discover more relationship tips, visit http://StrengthenYourRelationship.com/ and sign up for Dr. Nicastro's FREE Relationship Toolbox Newsletter.

As a bonus, you will receive the popular free reports: "The four mindsets that can topple your relationship" and "Relationship self-defense: Control the way you argue before your arguments control you."

Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. is a psychologist and relationship coach who is passionate about helping couples protect the sanctuary of their relationship. Rich and his wife Lucia founded LifeTalk Coaching, an internet-based coaching business that helps couples strengthen their relationships.

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Conscious Mating: Is This the Right Relationship for Me?

Prior to making a commitment in a relationship, or in the "pre-commitment" stage, is your opportunity to choose your future as consciously as possible.

YOU ARE A PIONEER

You are the pioneer of your life. And if you are reading this you are most likely seeking to be the pioneer of your relationships by striving to break free of past patterns and make conscious relationship choices. As a relationship pioneer your goal is to be fully aware of the long-term impact of your choices and date and mate with conscious intention. You are determined to create the life and relationship you really want and believe that true love and fulfillment will happen only if you go after what you really want and don't settle for less.

Everyone begins their journey towards a successful and fulfilling committed life partnership as a single. When you date and finally find someone to bond with in a relationship it's very exciting, but at the same time, most are conscious of the question "Is this the right relationship for me?" and are in what I call the "Pre-commitment Stage" of a relationship. The journey from single to becoming a conscious couple in a successful, fulfilling committed life partnership I call "Conscious Mating." Just as a conscious single must have clarity about who you are, what you want, and how to get it, so must a conscious couple. As challenging as it is for you to make good long term relationship choices when you're single, it can be even more challenging to make good long-term relationship choices when in a pre-committed relationship.

WHAT IS PRE-COMMITMENT?

When singles become couples in today's world, most are wondering at some level "Is this 'The One'? Should I be with this person for the rest of my life?" They are an exclusive couple, but not yet committed.

It may be tempting to call these couples "pre-marital" as a catch-all term to include all couples that haven't yet taken the step of becoming committed. However, in our opinion, the mindset of a pre-marital couple is "We want to be married," which is very different from the pre-commitment mindset of "Is this the right relationship for me?"

When I first identified the pre-commitment stage and started developing some approaches to working with these couples, I recognized this stage as different than "pre-marital" but didn't know what to call it. The label "pre-commitment" was intended to be temporary, but it stuck. I was amazed at the lack of recognition, information, and resources for this stage of relationship among mainstream relationship experts and the available research and literature. Even today, while this phenomenon has become common practice in our culture it is still largely unrecognized in the mainstream, which I hope to change with articles such as this one.

TWO TYPES OF PRE-COMMITMENT

Pre-committed couples generally fall into two categories-

UNCONSCIOUS- typically following the "mini-marriage" model of trying the relationship out, acting committed without actually making the commitment. A disconnect of fact and attitude.

CONSCIOUS- aware that they are not yet committed, usually have commitment as a goal, asking themselves "Is this the right relationship for me? Should I make a commitment?" An alignment of fact and attitude.

ROMANTIC LOVE AND PRE-COMMITMENT

There are many misconceptions about love. Our culture glorifies the romantic love stage of relationship in literature, theatre, television, and movies. It is that initial infatuation stage of a relationship when our chemistry is in high gear and we experience euphoria. Powerful amphetamine-like neurotransmitters flood and alter our brain chemistry.

While unsustainable, the romantic love stage serves an important purpose because it gives us a taste of our best and most powerful selves. If the relationship turns out to be a good long-term choice, this stage bonds us together and prepares us to weather life's inevitable storms. Confusing this initial romantic stage with real, sustainable love is a mistake that can be our undoing.

We want and expect to be happy, and romantic love is eternally optimistic. We don't want to believe that when we experience this intense chemistry with someone that it won't work. We want to avoid the pain of failure and can be tempted to try hard to fit a round peg into a square hole, twisting ourselves into a pretzel trying to "make" a relationship work.

In today's world when singles become couples, few jump blindly into immediate commitment. Most new couples are "pre-committed," meaning they are an exclusive couple, but they haven't yet decided the future of their relationship. This stage coincides with romantic love, and conscious couples who understand relationships realize the need to get to know one another long enough for the infatuation to wear off and experience the reality before making irreversible long-term choices.

CONSCIOUS MATING - A RADICAL POSITION

Here is the radical truth: Relationships do break up. As hard as we might try to prevent and avoid relationship failure, it happens anyway. Because there are many unconscious forces at work in every stage of a relationship, being fully aware isn't easy and controlling the outcome is impossible.. These unconscious forces have the potential for undermining our best efforts to sustain love if we are not aware.

In Conscious Mating, rather than unconsciously believing romantic fantasies of living happily ever after, we accept this truth. Since relationships break up anyway, why not be as conscious as possible in the process and increase our odds of success?

CHOOSING YOUR RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGES

Every relationship has challenges. This is normal and does not mean there is something inherently wrong with your relationship. Some challenges are solvable and can be addressed and resolved, others are perpetually unsolvable. Prior to making a commitment in a relationship, or in the "pre-commitment" stage, is your opportunity to choose your future as objectively as possible.

You can use the pre-commitment stage of a relationship to identify the solvable challenges and unsolvable problems in this relationship. You can then make a conscious choice to take them on and live with them, or decide that they sabotage the long-term sustainability of your relationship and walk away while you still can with much less pain and cost than further down the road. In pre-commitment you are in an exclusive relationship that is not yet committed. This gives you an opportunity to identify whether this relationship meets your requirements and needs for a successful long-term relationship before you make a commitment. Using the pre-commitment stage to make conscious long-term choices makes good sense.

PAIN PREVENTION

Even if you experience the pain of breaking up in the pre-commitment stage, this prevents you from experiencing even greater pain down the road.

Making the most conscious choice possible before making a commitment is, in our opinion, a pain-prevention gift you can give to yourself. As difficult as it is to make the choice to end a relationship, you will save yourself the devastation you will surely experience at the end of a mini-marriage or a divorce, especially where children are involved.

If you are in a relationship that is not yet committed and are asking the question "Is this the right relationship for me?" I encourage you to make a long-term relationship choice that will result in the life and relationship that you really want before you make a commitment. We must acknowledge the possibility that your current relationship is not "The One." Therefore, I suggest you seek to gain clarity about what you really want and need in a relationship and whether or not your current relationship will result in living the life you love with the love of your life.

Copyright 2006 David Steele

David Steele, MA, LMFT is founder of Relationship Coaching Institute and author of "Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World." http://www.consciousdating.com For free live Conscious Relationship tele-seminars, e-programs, audio programs and much more for singles and couples visit http://www.consciousrelationshipresources.com

A Kernel of Truth about Relationships: 4 Steps to Improvement

It's all about relationships! proclaimed my father during our recent holiday visit with my parents. Santa Claus coffee cup in one hand and a wagging finger toward my wife, Elizabeth, with the other. When you retire, thats what you realize is most important in life (okay, so thats not him in the photo).

Dad recently retired from 30+ years as an orthopedic surgeon and the major shift in lifestyle seems to have brought about a significant shift in his outlook on life. For me, his statement about relationships became much broader and more profound than I thought such a simple and reasonable statement could ever become.

At first look, it makes sense that relationships are vital to our lives. Whether it is friendship, dating, marriage, family or community, relationships with others are a part of our everyday life. They give us belonging, meaning, companionship, intimacy and love. But, pulling back from this view and taking a broad gander at the subject I realized that relationships are more than just meaningful interactions with people. When we relate or interact with something we are, in fact, in relationship with it. For instance, our relationship with work, our relationship with ourselves, our relationship with our health and our relationship with our spirituality. By defining relationships from this broader perspective, our relationship list becomes almost endless.

You see, when we look at our relationships, we look at our interaction with every part of our lives; people, places, things, and events. So, what is our relationship to our work, ourselves, our environment, our health, our spirituality? How do we relate to these things? Or, better yet, if it is all about relationships how are our most important relationships?

Coming from the psychotherapy world, I often helped couples, families and individuals improve personal relationships by working through a series of 4 questions. Once I broadened my definition of relationships, I found that these questions are applicable to all types of relationships. The questions go something like this:

1. What relationships do you value most?

Be clear about what you value and which relationships are truly priorities to you.

2. Why do you value them?

Understanding the value these relationships have for you underscores the importance of the relationship and clarifies why a relationship feels important.

3. How do you nourish each relationship?

Now that youve identified how and why a relationship is important, you must define what it is that you do to keep that relationship alive and growing.

4. How do you maintain your commitment through the tough times?

Are the divorce stats really any different from the number of other relationships that end in our own lives (i.e., dropping the diet, forgetting exercise, leaving job after job, putting personal goals and dreams on hold, getting around to the God/spiritual thing when you have more time, etc)? These relationships may not necessarily be a marriage but like a marriage these relationships have their challenging times. Similar to a marital relationship, we must work through the difficult times in our other relationships rather than set them aside until a better time or just plain hope the struggles go away. This is often the point at which my coaching clients seek my assistance.

You will inevitably find that nurturing these relationships is often like a juggling act. Though, once we identify the key relationships in our lives and begin relating with them rather than leaving them on our To Do list, we will soon find that balance in life is an attainable goal and that, in fact, life truly is all about relationships.

© 2004 by Dr. Robert A. Eubanks

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Grief and It's Impact on Relationship Selection

Grief can have devastating effects on the type of person you choose for a relationship while you are still actively grieving the loss of a previous relationship. Many people do not realize they are grieving when a relationship ends which actually places them at-risk of choosing dangerously while being impaired by their grief.

Some people assume that grief is related only if your partner has recently died and if you are currently still saddened by the loss. But actually grieving occurs when any relationship ends--whether it is anticipated, desired, prepared for, or not. The longer the relationship existed, the longer the grief normally takes.

Persons are often distressed to learn that there should be a 'time out' from dating or future relationships when one relationship has ended. The rule of thumb is 6 months time-out for every 5 years of relationship. So if you were with someone (married or not) for 10 years that would suggest you take 1 year off from being in a relationship or dating. I get horrified reactions to that because most people think 'just get your self back out there. The best way to get over someone is with someone else.' Nothing could be further from the truth.

Many of my clients ended up in counseling with me because they did exactly that. While still grieving from a previous relationship, they hooked up and made some bad choices in the selection of their next relationship which caused them even more problems and pain. When you are coming out of a relationship, you are in pain even if you aren't acknowledging it, even if you wanted out of the relationship, even if you had planned for the ending of it. When we are in pain, we are not in our best decision-making mind. When issues of the previous relationship are not resolved, many people go on to choose someone just like the person in the relationship they ended. Subconsciously they are trying to work out those relationship issues--but with a new person, instead of the one they just left.

Drastically, many people jump from one relationship to the next to avoid being alone. Alone does not necessarily have to mean = loneliness. But in these cases, people don't really care about the quality of the next relationship they only desire to avoid themselves and the feelings of the lost relationship. These are issues for the person to work out with a professional because people who cannot be alone are at a significant risk of choosing anyone to avoid being alone.

The baggage we carry from the last relationship has the ability to impact current and future relationships. Ideally, none of us want to hurt new relationships with our old relationship issues that are unresolved. That's why time off from relationships help us get some distance where we can assess the good and bad things of the relationship, our part in it, the types of people who we tend to select and whether we need to make some changes. These insights do not happen overnight or even within a few weeks. That is why following the formula listed above protects you from your own impaired relationship choices. Sometimes it allows enough time that you see you might need a few counseling sessions to work out your anger, fear, or look deeper at your relationship selection patterns.

The longer we wait and the more we work on ourselves in-between relationships the better chances we have of bringing a more healthy self to the next relationship and being able to spot potential bad dating choices.

For more information on dangerous relationships see http://www.HowToSpotADangerousMan.com

** This article is free to use as long as it is kept in its original format without changes and includes the link listed above.

Grief and It?s Impact on Relationship Selection BY: Sandra L. Brown, M.A. Author of: How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved

Sandra L. Brown, M.A. is a psychotherapist and author of How to Spot a Dangerous Man and other articles on relationships and mental health. She has worked with female victims of violence and male perpetrators studying the attraction between them and why they select each other. If you'd like to find out more information about your dangerous relationships take our FREE 4 part E-course at http://www.HowToSpotADangerousMan.com

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How To Recognize Relationship Breakdowns

In this complex world that we live in, one of the most complex things we have to deal with is ourselves and our relationships with others. In an ideal world, this should be simple, but we do not live in an ideal world, and the issue of relationships is anything but simple.

When we are born, we have a relationship with our parents. They teach us, they scold us, and they love us. But that point in our lives is the very last point in time when relationships will ever be even close to be simple.

In our teen years, the aspect of the importance of relationships goes right off the scale, surpassing almost everything else. Relationships are critical to us at that point. We are super conscious of what we wear, who we go out with, what our peers think of us, and if television and billboard advertising is to be believed, it is also of critical importance to our relationships and our future lot in life as to what brand of soda we drink and the brand of sneakers we wear.

Then we settle down, get married and start a family. The interesting thing is now that relationships get even more complex and diverse. Let's look at some of the types of relationships that we need to be conscious of.

In business, customer relationships are very important, especially in the area of sales. Growing and strengthening the relationship you have with existing customers is every bit as important as finding new customers and forging new relationships. There are many things you can do to make your life easier here, but don't let it all be electronic in this computer age, as there is still much to be said for the personal touch.

With friends and co-workers, we need to maintain a relationship that is part friendship and part business. This can be a fine line to walk for some people, but it can be done. A group or team that has respect for each other and trust in the opinions of others can be a major asset to any business organization.

Lastly is the interpersonal relationship with our spouse. The key to an effective relationship here is open, honest, and frequent communication. Remember, this was designed to be a long term commitment for both of you, and is takes both time and energy to consistently ensure that you are both on the same page, with common goals and desires. That cannot happen without a solid relationship, and a solid relationship cannot occur without good communications.

All too frequently, this interpersonal relationship with your spouse goes in directions that you never anticipated. Your spouse may have some major control issues, where they want to control every aspect and issue of your life, which will take away your uniqueness, the traits that comprise YOU. There are ways to recognize this and also ways to get this straightened out.

Other times, the relationship turns into being an abusive relationship. The definition of abuse does not need to necessarily mean physical abuse. This also encompasses mental abuse, verbal abuse and emotional abuse. Learn to recognize the different types of abuse and how to work with the different types.

What causes a relationship to break down? There can be many factors involved with this, and frequently this is a combination of many different things. Learn to watch for the signs of the relationship starting to break down and take the necessary steps to get the relationship back on the right track.

The topic of relationships is a complex one, but the best way to be able to create good solid relationships is communication. We are all unique with different needs, requirements, and abilities, but we need to be aware of the impact that relationships have on our everyday lives, and put forth the effort to keep those relationships solid.

Jon is a computer engineer who maintains many websites to pass along his knowledge and findings. You can read more about various types of relationships and how to recognize the different types at his web site at http://www.relationship-types.com/.

How To Make Your Relationship Last Forever

Do you realize that it is perfectly possible for you to have a relationship that lasts forever? And a relationship that is not just normal, or struggling, but that is consistently great. I believe that you can have a relationship where you are soul mates with your partner, and in love, and that you can have this over many many years until your are finally separated by death.

I call such a relationship, a "lifelong soul mate" relationship.

I know that you hope for such a lifelong soul mate relationship, but I suspect that you believe that it is only possible for you in some abstract kind of way. You may even believe that such a relationship is not possible outside of fairy tales.

In this, the first of three articles, I share with you that it is possible for you to have a lifelong soul mate relationship. Not only is it possible, but also it is relatively simple to achieve this, providing certain simple rules are followed.

In my second article I share with you what you have to do. In my third article I share with you what you must avoid doing. As you will see, a lifelong soul mate relationship need not be difficult at all.

With regard to achieving a soul mate relationship all people can be divided into three categories. These are: (1) those in relationships that will never become lifelong soul mate relationships, (2) those in relationships that can become lifelong soul mate relationships, and (3) those currently not in a relationship.

(1) Relationships that will never become lifelong soul mates.

No matter how much you want your relationship to work, if your partner does not want it to work, then it won't. As the saying goes, it takes two to tango. Many people actually do not want to be a lifelong soul mate, preferring instead a much lesser relationship. If your partner is one of these, you have a simple choice to make, Settle for a relationship that falls far short of being a lifelong soul mate relationship, or get a new relationship. The choice is yours. The rules for having a lifelong soul mate relationship will help you judge your current relationship to see if there is any possibility of it becoming such a relationship.

(2) Those relationships that have the potential to become lifelong soul mate relationships.

These are relationships where both parties are committed to the relationship, committed to a future together, and both are interested in deepening the relationship. The chances of this type of relationship becoming a lifelong soul mate relationship are good. And remember the rules for achieving this relationship are easy to follow.

(3) Those that are not currently in a relationship

For those that are not yet in a relationship the lifelong soul mate rules can be used to judge any prospective partner, increasing the likelihood that any relationship that you are about to enter into will be a lifelong soul mate relationship.

In my next article I set out the things that you must do in order to deepen your relationship into a lifelong soul mate relationship. And remember following the rules is not hard.

Damian Miles is a writer of ezine articles and ebooks, on the five key elements of any successful life: health, wealth, happiness, love, and security. Through his website http://dlmiles.co.uk he runs his weekly ezine and sells his ebooks and eproducts. His ezine "Think Yourself Fitter in Thirty Days." His ezine teaches how to develop the right attitude to health and fitness, an attitude that will almost guarantee you set and achieve your health and fitness goals. Damian is currently developing a workshop on Happiness, and training to run the 2007 London Marathon.

How Creating New Relationships "On Purpose" Will Dramatically Increase Your Income

How would you like to spend 20 to 30 minutes every day building one new relationship a day that will double, perhaps even triple your income?

I'm going to toss a new wrinkle into the relationship building game. I want you to think about two words could have dramatic affect on your life and your income.

Those two words are "on purpose."

What do you think might happen if you started creating new relationships on purpose? And what if you attached an immediate dollar amount value to each of those new relationships?

That's what I did several years ago and my results have been nothing short of amazing. I know it might sound cold and calculating to think like this, but bear with me.

It all started one evening as I was doing an Internet business seminar for a local S.C.O.R.E. chapter. I was talking about how to increase the value of email in your business. I looked down and, by chance, in my materials, I had one of those thousand dollar bill bookmarks you can buy at your local bookstore. Hold one up and it looks just like a $1,000 bill.

I wanted to impact the audience on the importance of building their email list so I told them they should treat each email address as if someone just handed them a $1,000 bill and I held up that bookmark.

Then I said, " How would you like to build One New Relationship A Day. And how many of those relationships would you like that each one puts an additional one thousand dollars in your pocket?"

The reaction was immediate. Some audience members sat up. Some smiled broadly. Many whom I thought was asleep began asking questions. What I had discovered was the value label I attached to their future relationships that could begin with an email dialog made sense to them. They no longer just saw an abstract email address. They saw potential income.

I knew I had stumbled on to something and so my little "on purpose" relationship income experiment began. I started thinking what would happen if I purposely viewed every email relationship I created as a potential income stream that was worth a minimum of one thousand dollars and worked toward that goal. Of course, I believed each one would have to be a win-win and without a doubt there had to be real value for both parties involved.

So, from that day forward, every time the phone would ring, when I met someone new, received a referral or an email request I began to feel the anticipation as if I had just earned another one thousand dollars. Some days I would make cold calls or go to places out of the blue with the intention of meeting just one person.

From then on I started each day knowing I was going to meet someone new and create another relationship on purpose. Some days the momentum is so great I created multiple new relationships with. It's became quite remarkable. I started attracting more people who wanted to work with me and give me money. Imagine that.

At some point I begin to track daily the purposeful creation of these new relationships. With each one I had a short conversation to discover what they needed and how I might be able to help them. Each time, in the back of my mind, I knew we would each at some point put a thousand dollars or more into our respective pockets.

To help you better understand this concept let me familiarize you with two terms I created for my experiment. They are Relationship Value and Relationship Income.

Relationship Value and Relationship Income

RV is the abstract value that you place on a new relationship. RI is the actual income that comes to through new relationships you create on purpose.

I know not every relationship manifests into one thousand dollars in RI from a client or customer, but it doesn't matter. I just know that each new relationship will eventually lead to one that does. So each new relationship actually increases my RV.

Every day it happens. It's incredible to watch as one person leads to another. New situations that create new income. Each new relationship somehow puts RI or trackable relationship income into my pocket.

Now I know the idea of building new relationships is nothing new for you, but perhaps focusing your intention on purposely defining one new relationship a day is.

I personally define a "new relationship" as having that initial conversation that helps outline how the relationship will develop. For me those are usually phone calls that last about 20 minutes or an email dialog that goes beyond one or two emails. That's enough time for me to realize what I need to do to begin the process with that new person.

I make a physical note of the day, how they came to me and the talking points from our initial conversation. I don't do anything else. I just continue my day and move on to the next relationship if there are any more for that day.

What makes this concept so amazing is I've gone back through my tracking sheets to see the results of these new "on purpose" relationships. Over the last 18 months there has been a dramatic increase in my actual income, my resources and my business holdings. I can attribute much of it to my creating one new relationship a day on purpose.

Most of us have learned to understand the value of relationships, but until I started following the path and tracking new relationships I never realized how much control I had over the income that would come from "purposely focusing" on creating new relationships.

How much could this idea be worth?

Think about the value of this one idea and how it could impact your own income. You create one new relationship a day on purpose. Think of each one having real immediate value. You can apply whatever RV or Relationship Value you want. I use one thousand dollars and it continues to work well for me.

If you could build one new relationship for each day of the year you would have a relationship income of...

$365,000 per year

Let's suppose you slipped up and only did this "on purpose" exercise every other day. That would give you...

$182,500 per year

Let's further suppose that only 20% of those every other day new "on purpose" relationships had actual relationship value. You would still created an additional relationship income of...

$36,00 per year

We're talking about an increase of real money for simply and easily creating one new relationship a day.

What happens when one of your "on purpose" relationship manifest greater value and much more income than you initially valued that relationship? Of course, your income increases. And it will happen and not just with one or two of your new relationships.

Some of my relationships have grown far beyond what I had originally intended. Some of these people I met "on purpose" have become friends and long-term, highly profitable clients. Others have provided additional business interests. For me the results of my "on purpose" experiment have been stunning.

One important thing to consider.

I know there are skeptics who will dismiss this entire idea. Others will think that purposely creating a relationship with someone solely for the purpose of extracting a thousand dollars or more from them is cold and wrong.

I don't believe it is. I offer great value for the services I provide. This is simply a strategy for assisting us in meeting new people and identifying with whom we want to do business.

In business, don't we concoct methods and strategies for marketing and selling our products and services? Aren't we already thinking on purpose when we make a presentation or a proposal to prospective client? Don't we have the goal in mind of selling that person on us and the product or service we're offering? Of course. But most of us are not purposeful in our approach. We know we have something of value and we're simply making that known to our potential customers and clients.

My concept of creating one new relationship a day is merely a purposeful strategy to insure that you continue to build viable and valuable relationships that will over time respond, realize and reciprocate for you in dutiful, purposeful business.

I don't think of these new "on purpose" relationships as cold, hopeful introductions. I value every one of them. Like all of my relationships I do what makes sense and what's right to earn their trust and their business.

Most, I'm happy and proud to say, have led a to fuller, richer business experience. Some have developed into strong, healthy personal relationships as well. Nearly each one has had far more monetary value for them than I purposely anticipated. And there are ones that have evolved into putting actual income for my business too.

I openly share this new spin on a crucial business building technique with you because I believe "relationship building" shouldn't be passé in business. It's a vital fact of business and the sooner you embrace a purposeful means to increase the amount of purposeful relationships in your life, the sooner you will realize a dramatic increase in your income.

Someone is destined to be my "New Relationship of the Day" today. Is it you? I invite you to make contact with me on purpose so I can add another one thousand dollars to your income this year. Chances are the income I can bring you will be a lot more. Email me and let's see what we can do together.

Michael Lamb is a radio personality turned Internet marketing advocate and business coach. He helps his clients create more income online by building strong relationships, a quality customer pipeline and by discovering hidden assets in their business that can be turned into profitable income streams. You can reach Mike through his blog http://www.Ideafire.com, through email: mikelamb@moneyroom.com, and by phone or text at 316-807-2259.

Finding Nemo (Two-Disc Collector's Edition)

From the Academy Award(R)-winning creators of TOY STORY and MONSTERS INC. (2001 Best Animated Short Film FOR THE BIRDS) it's FINDING NEMO a hilarious adventure where you'll meet colorful characters that take you into the breathtaking underwater world of Australia's Great Barrier Reef. Nemo an adventurous young clownfish is unexpectedly taken to a dentist's office aquarium. It's up to Marlin (Albert Brooks) his worrisome father and Dory (Ellen DeGeneres) a friendly but forgetful regal blue tang fish to make the epic journey to bring Nemo home. Their adventure brings them face-to-face with vegetarian sharks surfer dude turtles hypnotic jellyfish hungry seagulls and more. Marlin discovers a bravery he never knew but will he be able to find his son? FINDING NEMO's breakthrough computer animation takes you into a whole new world with this undersea adventure about family courage and challenges. Take the plunge into FINDING NEMO a "spectacularly beautiful animated adventure for everyone" -- David Sheehan CBS-TVSystem Requirements:Voices: Albert Brooks; Ellen DeGeneres; Alexander Gould; Willem Dafoe; Brad Garrett; Allison Janney; Austin Pendleton; Stephen Root; Vicki Lewis; Joe Ranft; Geoffrey Rush; Andrew Stanton; Elizabeth Perkins; Nicholas Bird; Bob Peterson; Barry Humphries; and Eric Bana. Directed By: Andrew Stanton. Running Time: 100 Min. Color. Copyright 2003 Buena Vista Home Video.Format: DVD MOVIE Genre: CHILDREN/FAMILY Rating: G UPC: 786936215595 Manufacturer No: 03007800

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New Relationships - 3 New Ways To Form Loving New Relationships That Last Forever

New relationships are so full of potential and promise. 'Could this be the one?' you ask yourself, barely daring to believe that it is possible. Perhaps your past is littered with failed relationships and you are seeking a fresh start. Or maybe you are just starting out on a serious quest to exit the singleton life and find a new relationship. What can you do to ensure that your relationship grows and develops into something wonderful, passionate, intimate and love-filled? Here are 3 tips to create blissful new relationships in a state of eternal love that will last a lifetime....

1. Facts about forming new relationships

Whether you are seeking a new relationship or have embarked on a new relationship with someone, know that you are in a very powerful position to influence your future. What you do now could determine whether this relationship crashes and burns or takes off and soars into a bright future. Set the intention from the outset that you are committed to having a relationships based on love, respect and affection. Get clear and specific on what you want from your relationship -- and by that I mean the emotional tone and day-to-day content of the relationship that you want. Acknowledge your creative power. What will you be doing every day to ensure that your new relationship continues to grow in love? Relationships are made by choices and actions. If you leave it to chance, chance is it will fail. Put your love into it.

2. New relationships and intimacy

Intimacy can be awkward when you are in the initial stages of a new relationship. Perhaps you are inexperienced or you've been hurt or you have certain beliefs that make you uncomfortable with being intimate. I think it's important to relax into your own power and experience the real juice of life, which is your life force within. You would be shocked to realize just how powerful a being you are. Start to become a little more flexible in your mindset, allowing for the possibility that life can be richer and more interesting than you thought. Observe yourself, watch and learn how your mind and thoughts work. Take a back seat and be like a witness to what's going on within you. As you become more aware and intimate with yourself and how you work, your comfort level with intimacy in your new relationships will increase. Self-knowledge eliminates much of the learned fear that typically inhibits intimacy. With greater self-knowledge, you will find that the borders between your self and the other person don't seem so important ... or even real. Love flourishes in that climate.

3. Ideas for new relationships

Embark on new relationships as though they will last forever. Thinking of this new partner as someone who will be there throughout your life, does a number of things. It will make you regard him or her as even more important and worthy of respect... so you will unconsciously treat them better and your relationship will flourish even more. Your relationship will seem to accelerate and take on a life of its own as you embrace the idea that it is your destiny to be together. You will stop looking around for any one better... this is one of the biggest hindrances to the development of new relationships. You have to get out of the mindset of playing the field and commit to creating something special with one person. You're going for a work of art here not a one night stand. No person is perfect but in a climate of love and acceptance almost any person can be perfect for you.

New relationship advice

When you are starting out in any activity it pays to learn what you need to know from someone who has already mastered that activity. It's no different with relationships. If you want to create a blissful relationship, you should find mentors in the form of couples who are already enjoying happy marriages or long-lasting love-filled relationships. Do what they do. Learn from them. Avoid doing the things that couples do in disaster relationships. It's that simple. Follow this advice and you will create something magical and wonderful from your new relationships.

Want a 'fairy tale' relationship? They do exist! Don't miss out! Discover the secrets to a blissful relationship at: http://www.blissfulrelationship.com your top tips resource for ensuring your new relationships grow more joyful and fulfilling every day!

Copyright 2007 Anne Amore ~ May you be now and forever blessed with love... and so it is.