Does Your Relationship Have These 3 Important Elements?

When men and women come together to form a relationship, it's a wonderful thing but complicated. Relationships don't conform to the idea that one size fits all: what works for one won't for another, because individuals and the relationships they form are unique. It's important to realize that there's no set of prescripts that can be uniformly applied to all relationships.

You can't even tell for sure why a relationship exists between a man and a woman - is it a union love of shared pastimes, or physical attraction, or something else? Because relationships are unique, the agreements that couples develop that keep them together are also unique.

While there are no comprehensive regulations for the conduct of a relationship, there are deeper elements of a relationship that can be identified. Without these elements, it's doubtful that the relationship will last.

Communication is the first great element of a flourishing relationship. This means the opening of hearts and sharing of things like dreams and plans for the future. It's easy to talk about the morning's headlines or last night's television program. Real communication, though, requires real honesty and self-giving. The kind of communication that occurs every day, of course, is different - couples have to be able to discuss everyday matters, plan the dinner menu, review schedules to make certain they can reach each other. But they'll also discuss the obstacles they're facing on the job, they'll talk about problems within their relationship, and they'll share their own feelings.

Relationships where the partners don't also share their emotions with each other have an unstable foundation. Good communication knows no fear - a couple should be able to share anguish and worry with each other as well as triumph and joy. The next component of a great relationship flows easily from the first.

Closely related with good communication, honesty is the next crucial foundation of a great relationship. Couples who make the commitment to start a relationship together, sharing their lives, impair themselves seriously if they cannot be honest with each other. There's a tendency at the beginning to over-romanticize a relationship and for couples to put each other on a pedestal - part of the purpose of honesty in a relationship relates to understanding and accepting that one's partner is simply human and actually mortal, not some perfect being that must be impressed and catered to at all times.

Lies - even the most well-meaning "little white lies," designed to avoid hurting someone - usually are exposed at the most inopportune times, and their motivation is often misunderstood. A relationship in which lies have been revealed faces significant obstacles. Partners in a relationship who are reluctant to share the truth with the other, even if it means at least momentarily hurting their feelings, are well advised to examine their own commitment to the relationship.

The last foundation of good relationships is forgiveness, which comes from true love. As God forgives us our sins, no matter how serious, we should emulate Him and strive to have a forgiving heart when our partner fails us.

Too often, people in a relationship will claim to forgive each other, but in the heat of an argument will dredge up these past "sins" or shortcomings they claim to have forgiven. Forgiveness doesn't mean stashing transgressions away like ammunition for use later on - it means erasing them and moving forward. Paradoxically, it is through forgiveness that a couple can realize the depth of their love for each other.

Couples for whom these three elements form the basis of the relationship can be assured of many happy years together. Far more relationships are broken up than survive, and the cause of that breakup is often the lack of one or more of these crucial elements. Couples who want to remain together and realize that their relationship is missing one of these components, like a stool with fewer than three legs, had better start work immediately to start growing the foundation of communication, trust and forgiveness that characterizes the greatest relationships of all time.

Steve Steiner enjoys helping men improve their relationship and manage the problems that they may experience in relating with and dating women.

If you found this article helpful and would like to learn more about how you can improve your relationship, check out Saving a Relationship and Make Relationships Work.

Multi Level Marketing Secret - How Important Is The Relationship?

In our lifetime we will have many, many, relationships with those around us and those we come in contact with in the future. Some of these relationships are temporary and may be all that is needed at the time.

There will be life long relationships and those are the kind that we will have to work very hard to retain. These relationships will be between close friends, partners, husband and wife, brothers and sisters, parents and their children. These relationships need constant work which will involve sacrifices and compromises. Sometimes it will require us to move out of our comfort zone so that we can maintain the relationship. The point here is that it is by choice whether we will do what is necessary to maintain the relationship. The closest relationships fall into this category.

Some relationships will bring times of joy, mediocrity and much sorrow. I consider these to be the test to the strength of the relationship and whether it can weather the storm. If the relationship is strong and true it will pass the test and become stronger. True relationships will always remain because both parties are willing to forgive and forget even when they have been injured.

Relationships that are not in the category of strong and true tend to fade away over a period of time or an event that either party is unwilling to resolve. The relationship in these cases was not regarded to important enough to fix. It was determined that the relationship was not needed and one or both parties could do without it. Point here is that it comes down to a choice - personal choice.

In Corporate America the word relationship tends to have a different meaning. We are friends and I will work well with others until I feel I need to step on them to move my career to the next level. I have seen those that were the best of friends become strangers or even enemies because one stepped on the other on the way up the corporate ladder. Thoughts of friendship now turn to I am over you, therefore I am superior to you, so watch out. Seems one of the parties has forgotten where they came from and just casually tossed the relationship away because it was no longer beneficial to maintain. Some of the best and conscientious employees are lost because of this behavior.

If you are in multi level marketing the word: relationship had better take on a different meaning for you if you wish to succeed. There are two relationships involved. There is the relationship that you need to build with those buying your products and services and the second is the relationship you are building with those you are introducing your business opportunity to.

The customer relationship is an individual relationship which you will build into a know, like and trust relationship. This will involve making sure you deliver on your promises of providing a great product in a timely manner. When something does go wrong you need to ensure the relationship by getting involved and help in the process of making things right for your customer. You may need to call the company to inquire what went wrong and work out a plan to make it right. Do not leave your customer hanging or they will lose confidence in you and your company's promise to deliver the product or service. Your customer needs to see you being proactive on their behalf, as it shows them they are in good hands. The fastest way to lose the relationship is to ignore your customer and leave the impression you do not care what happens as long as you get your commission check. Your customers need to know you appreciate doing business with them and you are there for them when the need arises.

The relationship between you and your team is vital for retention of your downline. When you bring your new business partner into your business your relationship should have already reached the know, like and trust relationship. Now you need to let the relationship grow to the next level which means giving more of your valuable time to train them to duplicate the same procedure you have used. The relationship needs to have that open door policy on your part. I am not saying that you need to drop what you are doing that moment but use a protocol that will work to let them know that you will be with them when you are finished with your present task. The relationship will require you to be there for each of your team members when the time arises. You may need to answer the same question or show the same method a number of times before they have learned it. The relationship will require patience and respect for your new business partner. Remember you were where they are now when you first began your venture into online marketing and your mentor took the time to teach you. The relationship you build with your team members can be cultivated into a real friendship that will ensure a successful business venture. If something were to happen to the company you are in, your team will follow you to a new company as long as the relationship is real and strong and if you have been a great leader.

If you do not believe in the relationship approach you are in the wrong business of MLM/Network Marketing. This industry is a relationship driven industry, so be prepared to build relationships and you will begin to magnetically attract others of the same mindset as you. The relationship is key and vital to your success.

David Bruce Mills invites you to his blog http://daveanddarlenemills.com/ and begin your journey in gaining the education and skills you need to be successful online. Your first step in becoming a critical thinker.

The Therapeutic Relationship Is the Most Important Ingredient in Successful Therapy

"Maybe if I have this client blink his eyes at an increased speed, while exposing him to his past, and add some cognitive behavioral therapy while sitting next to a waterfall, he may be able to function more effectively in his life!" Yes this is rather exaggerated, however it demonstrates the idea that as professionals in the field of therapy, we often seek complex theories, techniques, and strategies to more effectively treat our consumers. A large amount of our precious time is spent seeking new theories and techniques to treat clients; evidence for this statement is shown by the thousands of theories and techniques that have been created to treat clients seeking therapy.

The fact that theories are being created and the field is growing is absolutely magnificent; however we may be searching for something that has always been right under our nose. Clinicians often enjoy analyzing and making things more intricate that they actually are; when in reality what works is rather simple. This basic and uncomplicated ingredient for successful therapy is what will be explored in this article. This ingredient is termed the therapeutic relationship. Some readers may agree and some may disagree, however the challenge is to be open minded and remember the consequences of "contempt prior to investigation".

Any successful therapy is grounded in a continuous strong, genuine therapeutic relationship or more simply put by Rogers, the "Helping Relationship". Without being skilled in this relationship, no techniques are likely to be effective. You are free to learn, study, research and labor over CBT, DBT, EMDR, RET, and ECT as well as attending infinite trainings on these and many other techniques, although without mastering the art and science of building a therapeutic relationship with your client, therapy will not be effective. You can even choose to spend thousands of dollars on a PhD, PsyD, Ed.D, and other advanced degrees, which are not being put down, however if you deny the vital importance of the helping relationship you will again be unsuccessful. Rogers brilliantly articulated this point when he said, "Intellectual training and the acquiring of information has, I believe many valuable results--but, becoming a therapist is not one of those results (1957)."

This author will attempt to articulate what the therapeutic relationship involves; questions clinicians can ask themselves concerning the therapeutic relationship, as well as some empirical literature that supports the importance of the therapeutic relationship. Please note that therapeutic relationship, therapeutic alliance, and helping relationship will be used interchangeably throughout this article.

Characteristic of the Therapeutic Relationship

The therapeutic relationship has several characteristics; however the most vital will be presented in this article. The characteristics may appear to be simple and basic knowledge, although the constant practice and integration of these characteristic need to be the focus of every client that enters therapy. The therapeutic relationship forms the foundation for treatment as well as large part of successful outcome. Without the helping relationship being the number one priority in the treatment process, clinicians are doing a great disservice to clients as well as to the field of therapy as a whole.

The following discussion will be based on the incredible work of Carl Rogers concerning the helping relationship. There is no other psychologist to turn to when discussing this subject, than Dr. Rogers himself. His extensive work gave us a foundation for successful therapy, no matter what theory or theories a clinician practices. Without Dr. Rogers outstanding work, successful therapy would not be possible.

Rogers defines a helping relationship as , " a relationship in which one of the participants intends that there should come about , in one or both parties, more appreciation of, more expression of, more functional use of the latent inner resources of the individual ( 1961)." There are three characteristics that will be presented that Rogers states are essential and sufficient for therapeutic change as well as being vital aspects of the therapeutic relationship (1957). In addition to these three characteristics, this author has added two final characteristic that appear to be effective in a helping relationship.

1. Therapist's genuineness within the helping relationship. Rogers discussed the vital importance of the clinician to "freely and deeply" be himself. The clinician needs to be a "real" human being. Not an all knowing, all powerful, rigid, and controlling figure. A real human being with real thoughts, real feelings, and real problems (1957). All facades should be left out of the therapeutic environment. The clinician must be aware and have insight into him or herself. It is important to seek out help from colleagues and appropriate supervision to develop this awareness and insight. This specific characteristic fosters trust in the helping relationship. One of the easiest ways to develop conflict in the relationship is to have a "better than" attitude when working with a particular client.

2. Unconditional positive regard. This aspect of the relationship involves experiencing a warm acceptance of each aspect of the clients experience as being a part of the client. There are no conditions put on accepting the client as who they are. The clinician needs to care for the client as who they are as a unique individual. One thing often seen in therapy is the treatment of the diagnosis or a specific problem. Clinicians need to treat the individual not a diagnostic label. It is imperative to accept the client for who they are and where they are at in their life. Remember diagnoses are not real entities, however individual human beings are.

3. Empathy. This is a basic therapeutic aspect that has been taught to clinicians over and over again, however it is vital to be able to practice and understand this concept. An accurate empathetic understanding of the client's awareness of his own experience is crucial to the helping relationship. It is essential to have the ability to enter the clients "private world" and understand their thoughts and feelings without judging these (Rogers, 1957).

4. Shared agreement on goals in therapy. Galileo once stated, "You cannot teach a man anything, you can just help him to find it within himself." In therapy clinicians must develop goals that the client would like to work on rather than dictate or impose goals on the client. When clinicians have their own agenda and do not cooperate with the client, this can cause resistance and a separation in the helping relationship (Roes, 2002). The fact is that a client that is forced or mandated to work on something he has no interest in changing, may be compliant for the present time; however these changes will not be internalized. Just think of yourself in your personal life. If you are forced or coerced to work on something you have no interest in, how much passion or energy will you put into it and how much respect will you have for the person doing the coercing. You may complete the goal; however you will not remember or internalize much involved in the process.

5. Integrate humor in the relationship. In this authors own clinical experience throughout the years, one thing that has helped to establish a strong therapeutic relationship with clients is the integration of humor in the therapy process. It appears to teach clients to laugh at themselves without taking life and themselves too serious. It also allows them to see the therapist as a down to earth human being with a sense of humor. Humor is an excellent coping skill and is extremely healthy to the mind, body, and spirit. Try laughing with your clients. It will have a profound effect on the relationship as well as in your own personal life.

Before delving into the empirical literature concerning this topic, it is important to present some questions that Rogers recommends (1961) asking yourself as a clinician concerning the development of a helping relationship. These questions should be explored often and reflected upon as a normal routine in your clinical practice. They will help the clinician grow and continue to work at developing the expertise needed to create a strong therapeutic relationship and in turn the successful practice of therapy.

1. Can I be in some way which will be perceived by the client as trustworthy, dependable, or consistent in some deep sense?

2. Can I be real? This involves being aware of thoughts and feelings and being honest with yourself concerning these thoughts and feelings. Can I be who I am? Clinicians must accept themselves before they can be real and accepted by clients.

3. Can I let myself experience positive attitudes toward my client - for example warmth, caring, respect) without fearing these? Often times clinicians distance themselves and write it off as a "professional" attitude; however this creates an impersonal relationship. Can I remember that I am treating a human being, just like myself?

4. Can I give the client the freedom to be who they are?

5. Can I be separate from the client and not foster a dependent relationship?

6. Can I step into the client's private world so deeply that I lose all desire to evaluate or judge it?

7. Can I receive this client as he is? Can I accept him or her completely and communicate this acceptance?

8. Can I possess a non-judgmental attitude when dealing with this client?

9. Can I meet this individual as a person who is becoming, or will I be bound by his past or my past?

Empirical Literature

There are obviously too many empirical studies in this area to discuss in this or any brief article, however this author would like to present a summary of the studies throughout the years and what has been concluded.

Horvath and Symonds (1991) conducted a Meta analysis of 24 studies which maintained high design standards, experienced therapists, and clinically valid settings. They found an effect size of .26 and concluded that the working alliance was a relatively robust variable linking therapy process to outcomes. The relationship and outcomes did not appear to be a function of type of therapy practiced or length of treatment.

Another review conducted by Lambert and Barley (2001), from Brigham Young University summarized over one hundred studies concerning the therapeutic relationship and psychotherapy outcome. They focused on four areas that influenced client outcome; these were extra therapeutic factors, expectancy effects, specific therapy techniques, and common factors/therapeutic relationship factors. Within these 100 studies they averaged the size of contribution that each predictor made to outcome. They found that 40% of the variance was due to outside factors, 15% to expectancy effects, 15% to specific therapy techniques, and 30% of variance was predicted by the therapeutic relationship/common factors. Lambert and Barley (2001) concluded that, "Improvement in psychotherapy may best be accomplished by learning to improve ones ability to relate to clients and tailoring that relationship to individual clients."

One more important addition to these studies is a review of over 2000 process-outcomes studies conducted by Orlinsky, Grave, and Parks (1994), which identified several therapist variables and behaviors that consistently demonstrated to have a positive impact on treatment outcome. These variables included therapist credibility, skill, empathic understanding, affirmation of the client, as well as the ability to engage the client and focus on the client's issues and emotions.

Finally, this author would like to mention an interesting statement made by Schore (1996). Schore suggests "that experiences in the therapeutic relationship are encoded as implicit memory, often effecting change with the synaptic connections of that memory system with regard to bonding and attachment. Attention to this relationship with some clients will help transform negative implicit memories of relationships by creating a new encoding of a positive experience of attachment." This suggestion is a topic for a whole other article, however what this suggests is that the therapeutic relationship may create or recreate the ability for clients to bond or develop attachments in future relationships. To this author, this is profound and thought provoking. Much more discussion and research is needed in this area, however briefly mentioning it sheds some light on another important reason that the therapeutic relationship is vital to therapy.

Throughout this article the therapeutic relationship has been discussed in detail, questions to explore as a clinician have been articulated, and empirical support for the importance of the therapeutic relationship have been summarized. You may question the validity of this article or research, however please take an honest look at this area of the therapy process and begin to practice and develop strong therapeutic relationships. You will see the difference in the therapy process as well as client outcome. This author experiences the gift of the therapeutic relationship each and every day I work with clients. In fact, a client recently told me that I was "the first therapist he has seen since 9-11 that he trusted and acted like a real person. He continued on to say, "that's why I have the hope that I can get better and actually trust another human being." That's quite a reward of the therapeutic relationship and process. What a gift!

Ask yourself, how you would like to be treated if you were a client? Always remember we are all part of the human race and each human being is unique and important, thus they should be treated that way in therapy. Our purpose as clinicians is to help other human beings enjoy this journey of life and if this field isn't the most important field on earth I don't know what is. We help determine and create the future of human beings. To conclude, Constaquay, Goldfried, Wiser, Raue, and Hayes (1996) stated, " It is imperative that clinicians remember that decades of research consistently demonstrates that relationship factors correlate more highly with client outcome than do specialized treatment techniques."

References

Constaquay, L. G., Goldfried, M. R., Wiser, S., Raue, P.J., Hayes, A.M. (1996). Predicting the effect of Cognitive therapy for depression: A study of unique and common factors. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 65, 497-504.

Horvath, A.O. & Symonds, B., D. (1991). Relation between a working alliance and outcome in psychotherapy: A Meta Analysis. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 38, 2, 139-149.

Lambert, M., J. & Barley, D., E. (2001). Research Summary on the therapeutic relationship and psychotherapy outcome. Psychotherapy, 38, 4, 357-361.

Orlinski, D. E., Grave, K., & Parks, B. K. (1994). Process and outcome in psychotherapy. In A. E. Bergin & S. L. Garfield (Eds.), Handbook of psychotherapy(pp. 257-310). New York: Wiley.

Roes, N. A. (2002). Solutions for the treatment resistant addicted client, Haworth Press.

Rogers, C. R. (1957). The Necessary and Sufficient Conditions of Therapeutic Personality Change. Journal of Consulting Psychology, 21, 95-103.

Rogers, C. R. (1961). On Becoming a Person, Houghton Mifflin company, New York.

Schore, A. (1996). The experience dependent maturation of a regulatory system in the orbital prefrontal cortex and the origin of developmental psychopathology. Development and Psychopathology, 8, 59-87.

Richard A. Singer Jr. is a practicing psychotherapist living in the Cayman Islands. He is formerly of Pennsylvania and has a Master’s Degree in Clinical Psychology and is currently working on his Doctorate Degree. His daily inspirations have been included as part of Chicken Soup for the Recovering Soul, from the best selling Chicken Soup series. He has recently released his new book, “Your Daily Walk with the Great Minds of the Past and Present” and signed a contract for a second edition to be released in Feb. 2007. His own recovery from addiction and depression impassioned him to help others find courage, determination and peace, and has made what some would call “work” the love and purpose of his life. To learn more about Mr. Singer and explore updated information, visit his Web site [http://www.yourdailywalk.org]. or E-Mail him at RAS9999@aol.com. In addition, please join the author for interactive discussions about the suggested monthly readings, daily quotes, meditations, and journaling sections of the book on his Amazon.com Blog.